I gotta say, this is a Micca song. I'm not sure I could picture any reasonably sane person singing it - but for Micca, it's a perfect fit. So, if we were to put it all together for inclusion in the Digital Tradition, how's this?
-Joe-

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MY GRANDFATHER'S FERRET
(Derek Jolly)

My grandfather's ferret was a creature of little merit
and it lived round the back in a cage.
If you peered in through the bars you'd see its eyes like little stars
Glittering with impotent rage.
The smell it gave off made you splutter, gasp, and cough
and its habits were unspeakably gross.
And it bit off anything it could chew if you came too close.

When that ferret needed feeding someone always came back bleeding
or looking as white as a sheet.
When you opened up the door it was all-out blooming war
and that ferret was fast on its feet.
It would go for your throat through two mufflers and a coat,
or savage a finger or two,
Then sit back with a satisfied little smirk,
like Wellington after waterloo.

One day my Auntie May thought she'd feed the ferret some hay
by poking it in through the wire.
But that beast thought that meat would be more of a treat
and with skill you had to admire
clamped its teeth upon her digit and went absolutely rigid
Aunt May thought she was going to expire
and the daft cow opened up the door to attack it from behind.

When that ferret saw that she had opened up the door,
it was out and at her in a flash
With a shriek of success it went streaking down her dress and
Aunt May wished she hadn't been so rash.
With his nasty little teeth he bit her underneath
on the bottom, round behind, and up the back.
And my Aunt May never smiled again,
and neither did my Uncle Jack.

So remember my friends as I come to the end
of a story so dreadfully bleak
Take care not to linger, or the ferret'll have your finger
and you'll be minus a paddle up the creek
And the moral of this song it won't take very long
to express now if you should wish
If a pet you require you're better off by far to
attach your affections to a fish.

Alternate final verse:

When my Grandpa passed away,
So distressed was Aunty May,
Even so, she began to scheme and plan
First she poisoned Uncle Jack
Built a bonfire round the back
And scattered all his ashes on the land
In a fit of mindless rage,
she approached the ferret's cage
Only one thing she she could do would do the trick
Though the ferret squirmed around
Aunt May pinned it to the ground
And bashed its ruddy head in with a brick!

"Alternate Last verse written in 1989 by Vince Venus alias Gary"




Tune: My Grandfather's Clock

Submitted by Melbert, Grab, Howard