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BS: Monkeys are not Apes!

GUEST,Chongo Chimp 04 Oct 12 - 01:13 PM
Henry Krinkle 04 Oct 12 - 01:30 PM
gnu 04 Oct 12 - 01:59 PM
Rapparee 04 Oct 12 - 02:01 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 04 Oct 12 - 02:05 PM
McGrath of Harlow 04 Oct 12 - 02:08 PM
Megan L 04 Oct 12 - 02:09 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 02:11 PM
Henry Krinkle 04 Oct 12 - 02:15 PM
GUEST,999 04 Oct 12 - 02:19 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 02:33 PM
gnu 04 Oct 12 - 02:38 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 02:41 PM
Henry Krinkle 04 Oct 12 - 03:40 PM
Jack the Sailor 04 Oct 12 - 04:11 PM
Bill D 04 Oct 12 - 05:04 PM
Jack the Sailor 04 Oct 12 - 05:18 PM
Rapparee 04 Oct 12 - 06:36 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 08:25 PM
Jack the Sailor 04 Oct 12 - 09:44 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 09:57 PM
Jack the Sailor 04 Oct 12 - 10:00 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 10:06 PM
Bobert 04 Oct 12 - 10:10 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 10:15 PM
Bobert 04 Oct 12 - 10:28 PM
Little Hawk 04 Oct 12 - 10:46 PM
Bobert 04 Oct 12 - 10:48 PM
GUEST,Allan Conn 05 Oct 12 - 02:32 AM
Pete Jennings 05 Oct 12 - 09:02 AM
Rapparee 05 Oct 12 - 10:01 AM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 12 - 11:18 AM
Jack the Sailor 05 Oct 12 - 03:32 PM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 12 - 06:11 PM
Jack the Sailor 05 Oct 12 - 06:50 PM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 12 - 07:16 PM
gnu 05 Oct 12 - 07:22 PM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 12 - 07:28 PM
Jack the Sailor 05 Oct 12 - 07:34 PM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 12 - 07:48 PM
Rapparee 05 Oct 12 - 10:30 PM
Little Hawk 06 Oct 12 - 12:39 AM
Jack the Sailor 06 Oct 12 - 07:58 AM
Little Hawk 06 Oct 12 - 11:10 AM
Jack the Sailor 06 Oct 12 - 11:13 AM
Little Hawk 06 Oct 12 - 11:16 AM
Jack the Sailor 06 Oct 12 - 11:20 AM
Rapparee 06 Oct 12 - 12:05 PM
Little Hawk 06 Oct 12 - 12:29 PM
Pete Jennings 06 Oct 12 - 02:03 PM
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Subject: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 01:13 PM

This thread is for Jack the Sailor. He posted a link to a spurious chart that asserted that apes are included amongst the larger category of animals called monkeys. That is not so! Apes are not monkeys, cos monkeys got long tails and apes don't. And here is the proof:

The online FreeDictionary.Com definition of "monkey"

I quote from the essential passage in the definition, as follows:

mon·key (mngk)
n. pl. mon·keys
1. Any of various long-tailed, medium-sized members of the order Primates, including the macaques, baboons, guenons, capuchins, marmosets, and tamarins and excluding the anthropoid apes and the prosimians.

You'll see I added italics and bold to the relevant section.

And that's that. Stop referring to apes as monkeys, you human bozos! You damn dirty apes! (a human IS a form of ape) Apes are not monkeys, apes will never be monkeys, chimps are not monkeys, I am not a monkey, and that's all there is to it. But YOU, mister, ARE an ape...albeit one that ain't got enough hair and can't even open a beer bottle or disassemble a handgun by usin' only his toes.

Live with it, chump.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 01:30 PM

Monquis see, monquis do.
(:-( ))=


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: gnu
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 01:59 PM

What would Bobert be... a Leaf Monkey?

I have proposed to the scientific community that the Leaf Monkey classification be further classified in two distinctions, those being the Reefer Leaf Monkey and the Maple Leaf Monkey. Discussion of my proposal has arisen regarding clarification with respect to the following considerations : a) some Reefer Leaf Monkeys are hockey fans; b) some Maple Leaf Monkeys are reefer fans; c) Maple leaf monkeys are considered by many to be apes most of the time. Many in the scientific community have informed me that they will "get back to me" on this but that was quite a time ago.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:01 PM

"Monkey Dew" sounds like a brand of Irish whisky.

But human (Homo Sapiens Sapiens) are so far superior to their poor, benighted, dumb, distant cousins that there is no significant difference between monkeys and apes. Why, Chonga, if it hadn't been for the nice HUMAN doctor you'd still be anatomically female! No mere chimp or even a Great Ape could have done that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:05 PM

Bobert is a HillBilly Ape (Redneckus Troglodytis Wesginniensis). He is not a monkey. Yeah, he's into the Reefer Leaf bigtime, but he is still an ape. This makes him a distant relative of mine. Very distant, I might add!

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:08 PM

Not all monkeys have long tails.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Megan L
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:09 PM

Chongo dear asme auld uncle used tae say "If its hairy like a monkey and scarts(scratches) its airse like a monkey it disny matter whit it says it's still a monkey


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:11 PM

Can you name some types of monkeys that don't?


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:15 PM

Sea monkeys have tails. Right Jack?
(:-( ))=


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: GUEST,999
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:19 PM

Google two terms:

Old world monkey

and

New world monkey


I knew anthropology 300 (or whatever the third-year course was) would come in handy someday.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:33 PM

Here's some stuff about it:

"Old World monkeys are unlike apes in that most have tails (the family name means "tailed ape"), and unlike the New World monkeys in that their tails are never prehensile."

"New World monkeys are the only monkeys with prehensile tails—in comparison with the shorter, non-grasping tails of the anthropoids of the Old World."

"Apes are Old World anthropoid mammals, more specifically a clade of tailless catarrhine primates, belonging to the biological superfamily Hominoidea. The apes are native to Africa and South-east Asia. Apes are the largest primates and the orangutan, an ape, is the largest living arboreal animal. Hominoids are traditionally forest dwellers, although chimpanzees may range into savanna, and the extinct australopithecines are famous for being savanna inhabitants, inferred from their morphology. Humans inhabit almost every terrestrial habitat."

"the Barbary macaque, a kind of monkey, is popularly called the "Barbary ape" to indicate its lack of a tail. Biologists have used the term "ape" to mean a member of the superfamily Hominoidea other than humans,[3] or more recently to mean all members of the superfamily Hominoidea, so that "ape" becomes another word for "hominoid"."

So....it appears that at least one type of monkey, the Barbary Macaque, does not have a tail. It is, however, still a monkey, not an ape.

Apes, on the other hand, do not have tails, as Chongo has pointed out. Most monkeys have tails, while a few do not. The other differences between apes and monkeys are less obvious, other than the fact that apes are generally quite a bit larger than most types of monkeys.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: gnu
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:38 PM

Something old, something new, something borrowed,
something blue.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 02:41 PM

What a lovely looking monkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 03:40 PM

Damned monkey spit in a college girl's face here and it killed her.
(:-( o)=


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 04:11 PM

No but people & apes are monkeys!

look at minute 24 and on.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 05:04 PM

But ALL apes are capable of 'monkey business'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 05:18 PM

Chongo may not be a monkey, but Little Hawk certainly is one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 06:36 PM

Chonga is a catarrhine primate! Chonga is a catarrhine primate! (And probably a catamite as well!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 08:25 PM

"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty hominid!" - what Charlton Heston might have said, had he been speaking to a talking human rather than a talking gorilla.

"Shut up, you freak!" - What the talking human (or the talking gorilla) would have said back to Charlton Heston.

"Take a powder, Roscoe, or I squirt lead!" - What Chongo would say.

I'm glad to see that the online dictionary has exonerated Chongo on this matter and has proven once and for all that apes are not monkeys, monkeys are not apes, and never should the twain be confused.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 09:44 PM

Nope. Scientist trumps dictionary. We are all monkeys. Just as dogs are all Canines.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 09:57 PM

Nope, Jack. You're wrong about this one. We are all primates, but we are not all monkeys.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:00 PM

You are a monkey. I am sure of that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:06 PM

You can be as sure of something as you want, and still be wrong, you know...


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Bobert
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:10 PM

Yo, Chongz...

Go grind on yer organ and leave real primates alone, will ya???

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:15 PM

Hey! I just found an online oracle that answers ALL your questions. Wowee! I asked it some and got some pretty amazing (and funny) answers, including some about monkeys and humans. I'm gonna start a thread about it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Bobert
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:28 PM

I will admit that there are monkey's that is a lot smarter than a lot of people... Just check the number of people who say they are voting for Romney...

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:46 PM

I've asked Chongo about that. He says not one monkey he knows says he's voting for Romney.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Bobert
Date: 04 Oct 12 - 10:48 PM

See???

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: GUEST,Allan Conn
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 02:32 AM

The vast bulk of monkeys have tails but some don't. The one that comes most to mind is the barbary macaque

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/life/Barbary_macaque


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 09:02 AM

Interesting that every time someone disses Chongo's breed he goes ape shit...


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 10:01 AM

Ah, speaking of that...Chonga has been seen swinging around the trees in Lincoln Park by what appears to be a tail. At least, it's in the right location....


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 11:18 AM

That wasn't Chongo. It was one of his Latin American buddies. Only New World monkeys (and lemurs) have prehensile tails.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 03:32 PM

Chicago is part of the "New World." SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 06:11 PM

Argh!!! Not THAT again! You birthers just won't quit, will you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 06:50 PM

Put up or shut up. Is he a New World (Chicago) Monkey or a Keyan Anticolonialist Monkey?


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 07:16 PM

Chongo lives in Chicago, but he is not a New World Monkey. He's an Old World Ape, as are all chimpanzees, regardless of where they were born or where they presently live. New World and Old World refer to the specific species of monkey and where that species had its scientifically known (or theorized) origin, not to their current place of residency.

The science community refers to all apes as "Old World". It refers to monkeys whose species evolved in the New World as "New World monkeys". Chongo's species evolved in the Old World, namely Africa.

It is well known, of course, that Chongo was born under the American flag on a small American missionary and trading post on the coast of West Africa. His saintly Momma taught him to salute the American flag every morning, and instructed him in the basics of being a loyal American subject until she was tragically killed by a marauding leopard. Chongo fled into the jungle on her death, but re-emerged a few years later and enlisted as a crew member on a banana boat that landed him in New York Harbor in 1929. He later moved to Chicago. Thus, he is an American citizen, as well as sharing dual citizenship with one of the West African states. He is an African-American Chimpanzee.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: gnu
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 07:22 PM

No booze. No drugs. And yer THAT high? Cool. Power at ya LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 07:28 PM

It CAN be done! You just have to eat your spinach every day without fail, breathe deeply and slowly, and consort with Dachshunds on a regular basis. Ask Olddude about that. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 07:34 PM

I think you have been breathing your "spinach"


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 07:48 PM

You're just jealous...


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 10:30 PM

Not one word of that "official" biography is true. Oh, yes, "he" as born in Africa -- in the Congo. "He" fled to West Africa with with his mother and his twin sister -- thrown out of their group because Chonga ("his" original name) was doing disgusting things with, ah, well, the least said the better. In West Africa Chonga made friends with a missionary doctor, who performed an experimental sex-change operation on "him." Now calling "himself" Chongo, s/he stowed away on a banana boat and kept "his" presence secret by "making friends" with the crew. "He" got off the boat in New Jersey, slipped in the the US, and sneaked about a freight train going West. "He" got off in Chicago and after some years working the streets set "himself" up as a tough-guy private detective.

Note that "he" abandoned his twin sister, Chinga, and his mother. His mother soon died of heartbreak; Chinga had to prostitute herself to provide for her mother and herself.

Chongo Chimp: Gender-bender and illegal alien.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 12:39 AM

You sir, make Rush Limbaugh look like a reasonable and honest man! These spurious and outrageous calumnies, these scurrilous attacks you are making upon one of the most respected apes in America, could only be motivated by one of 2 things:

Rank specism!

Or...

Large amounts of cash.

I suspect it's a bit of both, but primarily the latter. Just admit that you are in the pay of the Big 2 parties who want to destroy Chongo's reputation with these shameless lies and utterly false allegations. They will stoop to any tactic, no matter how low, because they fear Chongo's power at the polls. And so they should!


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 07:58 AM

You are almost correct Rap, except that the story starts out in the Yucutan it was an unnaturally large spider monkey named Chimie El Chonga that through a series of operations and growth hormone injections that eventually lead to the creation of Chongo. Obviously "Chongo the Chimp" is an anglicized alias. It is a credit to her cleverness that she has been able to hide both tail and gender for so long. I do have photographic evidence.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 11:10 AM

That link doesn't open to anything but the opening page of Google. Chongo is a chimp among chimps, a man among men, a shining example of primate perfection who will lead us into a bright new era of peace and prosperity and equal rights for all primates.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 11:13 AM

Try this one.

Mexican monkey band


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 11:16 AM

It works! LOL!!!!! My God, that is soooo tacky.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 11:20 AM

Tacky like a Chimi Chongo.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 12:05 PM

The last Democrat I met asked ME for money for a drink and the last Republican was my brother, who's disgusted with all "of those *$#@%!!*&!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Even putting his words that way has turned the walls of this room blue.)

There is no "ism" of any sort involved here -- just honestly and impartially researched Truth.


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 12:29 PM

So you say. Well, I can only conclude then that you have succumbed to some strange form of mental illness that is causing you to believe bizarre stories about Chongo. Get professional help, Rap. I suggest you consult health professionals in your area at once!


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Subject: RE: BS: Monkeys are not Apes!
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 06 Oct 12 - 02:03 PM

Blimey, LH, if you think Rap needs professional help, you got a bigger problem than we all think!


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