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Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...

DigiTrad:
DECK OF CARDS
RINDERCELLA
STORY OF PETEY, THE SNAKE
THE PEE LITTLE THRIGS


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rmd 12 Nov 99 - 04:53 PM
Metchosin 12 Nov 99 - 04:57 PM
Liz the Squeak 12 Nov 99 - 05:19 PM
fox4zero 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM
paddymac 12 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM
Melbert 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM
Liz the Squeak 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM
catspaw49 12 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM
--seed 12 Nov 99 - 06:38 PM
Micca 12 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM
ROD 12 Nov 99 - 07:11 PM
Micca 12 Nov 99 - 08:32 PM
Midchuck 12 Nov 99 - 10:20 PM
Murray on Saltspring 13 Nov 99 - 02:20 AM
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Subject: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: rmd
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:53 PM

"Balls!" cried the Queen, If I had two, I'd be King"

Anyone knowing from where this comes, please let me know at: rdelre@yahoo.com


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Metchosin
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:57 PM

"Fawk the Queen!" cried the King, and fifty thousand men were trampled in the onslaught, for in those days the Kings word was law. Sorry don't know where it comes from but do know a few of the lines.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:19 PM

'Oh Shit!' said the King, and a thousand arseholes strained to comply.

'Stop' shouted Daniel, and a thousand turds were nipped in the bud....

Something on the lines of that do you mean???

Micca knows this.... but then he would...

LTS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

These are lines from the great epic poem: T'was the night of the king's castration And the royal ball was coming off.

Balls said the queen, if I had t(w)o I'd be king. The king laughed because he had to, The queen cried because she wanted t(w)o

Where is the Queen, said the king. She's in bed with laryngitis. I'll kill that Greek bastard .

There are many other stanzas which are rather funny but too scatologic for me to repeat in public with- out preparation with Jack Daniels. I still remember all the verses even though I learned them 50 years ago

From PARISH with memories of an insufficiently squandered youth.

college 50 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: paddymac
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM

It's bee a long time since i've heard this song, and i can't remember enough of it to write. It really should go into the data base as a folk classic. Parish, if you can enter it, it would surely be welcomed and received as the grat classic that it is. Please!!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Melbert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM

Paddymac - is that a typo for "great" or "grate"?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM

Yes, please do, Micca won't tell me all of it until I'm his age, but I don't think even Methusala lasted that long....

LTS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM

And Micca I assume is equally dull is he Squeaky? I mean like the only thing the bible says about him is that he "lived 969 years, and he died." Boring focker, huh?

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: --seed
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:38 PM

And, of course, the great verse from "It Ain't Necessarily So" from "Porgy and Bess":

Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
But who calls that livin' when no gal will give in,
To no guy who's nine hundred years?

And PARISH, I love the line "an insufficiently squandered youth."

--seed


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM

'ere, Iv'e got 4 "O"levels and a budgerigar, I KNOW when I'm being got at. Is this the great recitation that commences" Long long ago when Ahab was king and the kings word was law there lived a man named Daniel-----" or are we thinking of a song.This is one of those I rmember much better when drunk


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: ROD
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 07:11 PM

Here is everything I had on this. Surely, some of you will remember it differently and perhaps together we can come up with the whole thing. It's called either:

"T'was the Knight of the King's Castration" or perhaps "The Death of the 69,000"

Counts, no accounts and discounts were flinging camel shit at each other, for in those days bullshit was unknown.

"Balls" said the Queen, "if I had two I'd be King."

The King laughed, not because he had to, but because he had two.

Up strode David on his white stud horse; up strode the King on his diamond studded jock strap.

"Where's the Princess?" asked David. "She's in bed with Diphtheria" said the King. "What! Is that Greek son-of-a-bitch here again?" For his insolence, David was thrown into the lions' den.

Up strode the mangy beast; up strode David and grabbed the lion by his left nut. "Ouch" said the lion. "That tickles." "What tickles?" asked David. "Testicles" said the mangy beast. So they chalked one up for the lion.

For his bravery, David was asked to come forth, but he slipped on a camel turd and came fifth. Shit flew at Random, but Random ducked and Shit hit the King in the face. "Shit!" said the King and the whole nation squatted and groaned.

Again David asked "Where's the Princess?" "Fuck the Princess" roared the King, and 69,000 royal subjects were trampled in the mad rush, for in those days the Kings' word was law. ....Kipling?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:32 PM

Once I typed out what I remember I feel it is a bit too unadornedly filthy for just putting up on this forum so If you want the words I have drop me a private note and I will send them.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Midchuck
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:20 PM

"For his bravery, David was asked to come forth, but he slipped on a camel turd and came fifth. Shit flew at Random, but Random ducked and Shit hit the King in the face. "Shit!" said the King and the whole nation squatted and groaned."

Zelazny's Amber books...The prince who became the new king at the end of the first series...Could Zelazny have...nawwhh...It couldn't be....


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Murray on Saltspring
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:20 AM

Bravo! Rod's bit is close to the way I seem to remember it from fifty years ago, when I was entertained for what must have been a quarter of an hour by a schoolmate on a train. It must be fairly long, therefore--so I'm calling Rod's bit a bit. Micca, I'm a folklorist by calling and hobby, and I'd dearly love to see your version of this (for it IS folklore, and should be recorded). So send me an e-mail if you will [murray@saltspring.com] and I'll be very grateful. Your version will join Rod's (and others) in the archive of our B.C.Folklore Society.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:03 AM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:11 AM

I difffer only in the type of excrement that Daniel stepped in.

The king ordered Daniel to come fo(u)rth from the lion's den, but Daniel slipped on some LION shit and came in fifth, paying two-twenty

Regards to all PARISH


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: wildlone
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 12:36 PM

I have a copy I can send as an email
contact me thru personal messages with email address I will send it back.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: richard
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:01 PM

Micca and wildlone; I would love to have a copy but annot seem to log on to mebership pages for your e-mails. I'm at rtwright@grassrootsgroup.com

There is another classic like this that I have looked for in the past you you gentlemen may have heard. I heard it around a campfire on the Tatshenshini River about 10 years ago, 7 nights out, in the dark of a Yukon northern sky, after a bottle of red wine and some Robert Service poems. It was a version of the Shooting of Dan McGrew that ends:

"And there on the floor with his arse**** tore, Lay Dangerous Dan McGrew.

Likely too obscene to post here but it could be sent to me if anyone has collected it.

Thanks Richard

Pardon the ****, but's that another thread.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: _gargoyle
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:39 PM

Too obscene - Check the DT lyric search (first page upperlefthand side) - It'll fit right in here - (tried "meningitis" to help cheerup the kindly and conscientious Mr. Seed....)

Along the same line was, "Verily, verily the Lord said unto Moses, come forth, but Moses came fifth, forwhich the Children of Israel threw camel turds at him, for in those days BS was not known." This is an old classic that goes for several minutes....not music but verse.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: amos@san.rr.com
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 12:36 AM

And the King cried, "Give me land!". so the Queen kicked him in the nuts and replied, "How's that for a couple of acres?".


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Troll
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 09:23 AM

"Balls!", cried the Queen. "If I had two, I'd be King!"
The Prince said," I've got two and I'm not King."
The King just laughed. Not because he wanted to, but because he had two.

troll


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 09:49 AM

Several versions here.

Jon


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 01:00 PM

And Daniel was cast out into the desert for forty days and forty nights. There he came upon a mis-shapen maiden drawing water from a well. Daniel I am with child by thee, what steps art thou going to take?. F***ing great big ones said Daniel, and disappeared back into the desert.

There's more but I can't remember it all.

Jock


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 02:15 PM

(Brief aside to Midchuck) - Isn't it in one of Zelazny's Amber books where he relates that, at a critical moment in the narrative, "the fit hit the Shan"?


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Subject: Add:'Twas a dark night
From: Snuffy
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 07:38 PM

Here's a recitation I learned in the 60's which seems to meet the Daniel one tangentially at several points, but is nevertheless quite different in origin:

'Twas a dark night
A stormy night
A night of shit.
The ship was tossing on the ocean
And likewise the crew in their bunks.
But the bosun (cunning fucker)
Took the ship's only longboat
And rowed to the nearest island
Where they were holding the Feast of the Festering Foreskin
Into the ring jumped the King
Whosoever shall bring forth the longest penis
Shall have tea with my daughter
Not Typhoo Tea
Not Mazawattee Tea
But C-U-N-T
Into the ring jumped the Witch Doctor
And brought forth twelve and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Two occasional tables
Three mahagonay armchairs
Four packets of Woodbines
(The only brand sold on the island)
And a bar of soap to keep the party clean
But the bosun (cunning fucker)
Brought forth fourteen and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Four occasional tables
Five mahagonay armchairs
Six packets of Woodbines
(The only brand sold on the island)
And a bar of soap to keep the party clean
"Shit" said the King
And forty thousand loyal arseholes heaved and strained with all their majestic might
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)
"Stop" said the Queen
And forty thousand long, black, coiled, spirally turds hung in mid-suspension
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)
"Fuck Me" said the Princess
And sixty thousand chickens and one mangy dog were killed in the rush
And the bosun (cunning fucker)
Lay with her for forty days and forty nights
And on the fortieth day she came to him and said
"I bear thee a son
What steps shalt thou take?"
"Bloody great big ones across the desert"
And he came unto the valley of the shadow of death
And he said "Let there be light"
And there was light
And you could see for fucking miles
And he fell among thieves
But these were not ordinary thieves
For unlike ordinary thieves
The ragged him
Shagged him
Fucked him
De-bagged him
And sent him away with a sore arse
In the street of a thousand arseholes
At the sign of the Swinging Tit
Lived a beautiful Chinese maiden
By the name of Hu Flung Shit

Here my memory fails, but there was a lot more

Wassail! V


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 09:12 PM

Let me add a plea to that of my old mate Murray of Saltspring: there should be room for folk recitations in the Mudcat somewhere - and this "Saga of Daniel" as I've always heard it, should have pride of place. Dick?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Morticia
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 08:34 AM

Is this the one which ends each verse with "Drinks on the KIng,laughs on Daniel" or variations thereof....?If it is, I'm certain my brother knows pretty much all of it...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: lady penelope
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 08:37 AM

I'm with you Mr Bartlett. there are many of these monlogues ( none of which any one will tell me all of! Including my dad and Micca ) and they should be set down for posterity.

Then maybe I could learn them!

The least ribald one I know of, my dad reckons he can't remember past a certain point due to bad memory. I'm positive it's because he won't tell me the naughty bits!

TTFN M'Lady P.

"They're knocking down our pub - BOOOO
'Cos they're gonna build a new one - HURRAY
It'll only have one bar - BOOOOO
5 miles long - HURRAY
It'll only have one barmaid - BOOOO
For every customer - HURRAY
It's not gonna sell beer - BOOOO
It's gonna give it away - HURRAY...................."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 10:57 AM

Lady P: That one used to get regular airings at Scout campfires (goodness knows why)
And goes on much longer.
Ignoring the "Booo" and "Hurrayyy" after alternate lines (I'm saving my cut and paste for line breaks until I can find a suitable Function Key)

There's a house on the hill.
A public house

They don't sell beer,
They give it away.

They don't have glasses,
They use buckets instead

There's holes in the buckets,
To drink out of

There's only one bar,
Five miles long.

There's only one barmaid,
One each that is

The barmaids wear black stockings.
Thats all.

There's a lot more to this story,
But I'm not going to tell you.

I might have missed some as well, but not for want of trying. I last heard this about 20 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Sonnet
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 11:05 AM

The original quote reminds me of a Barnsley (only place I've heard it) saying, when you doubt the credibility of something you're being told. "If my Granny had got bo****ks, she'd be my Grandad."

JMcS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Midchuck
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 01:40 PM

The "boo" and "yayyy" sequence as I heard it also had:

"There will be no f***ing on the dance floor!" (Booo!) "...and no dancing on the f***ing floor!" (Yayyy!)

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 04:01 PM

what would the queen do with the balls if she had them??? Juggle them???!!!! hehehehe!!!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 05:46 PM

I remember it as 'They're tearing down the Rose & Crown' boo etc. 'They are building a bigger & better pub'

but otehrwise pretty much as the other versions. I agree that there should be a section on prose.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Mar 02 - 10:34 AM

Snuffy, I've heard a version of your "Dark and Stormy night"

Then the ship hit a rock.
All the boats were swept away.
We're all going to drown said the Captain,
We're all going to drown said the Mate,
We're all going to drown said the Crew,
But the Bosun - the cunning old bastard that he was, Said "Let's row ashore in the latrine buckets". So we did - half full !

After the witch doctor does his balancing feat, there's the chorus bit again:

"That can't be beat said the Captain",
"That can't be beat said the Mate",
"That can't be beat said the Crew",
But the Bosun - the filthy old bastard that he was,
Strode into the ring and titivating an unmentionable
part of his anatomy between the thumb and forefinger
of his right hand caused that member to expand to an
unprecedented size, and there upon he balanced
One Witch Doctor .... etc.

I'm looking for another naval recitation which is called the CPO's sermon and starts:

There was a young matelot who was making his way to the fair city of Pompey
Via Gosport and the ferry,
When from an upstairs window a young maiden called out,
"Sailor whither goest thou ?"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,JohnB
Date: 18 Mar 02 - 12:27 PM

One day Daniel and the King were walking in the palace grounds, discuusing the matter of prostitution. Talking about prostitutes said Daniel, how's the Queen. At this the King was not amused and sent Daniel to the Prison for a long time. Plus all the other bits about, Tea and the Dessert for 40 days and nights and the King picked up a turd and cast it 40 paces hence, shot cried Daniel, shit cried the King, stop cried the King and 40,00 turds were whipped beneath the bushes, except for one poor sad with diarreah who shit himself. Fuck the queen and 40,000 were killed in the rush. Daniel was upon by bandits, not normal bandits but bum bandits who ragged him and shaged him and left him with his arse tingling and his balls in his pockets. JohnB


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE NIGHT OF THE KING'S CASTRATION
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 01:50 PM

I found this quote at http://www.cuis.edu/ftp/stumpers-l/STUMPERS-L.1996-03
    G. Legman printed an uncredited text in "Bawdy Monologues and Rhymed Recitations," *Southern Folklore Quarterly* 40 (1976), pp. 70-71. That text was collected by a former student of mine at UCLA, Dean Burson, in 1959. To my knowledge, it remains the fullest printed text.

    Ed Cray

    cray@mizar.usc.edu
Here is the most complete version I can find, from http://ingeb.org/Lieder/thenight.html
    THE NIGHT OF THE KING'S CASTRATION

    "This deluxe conflation, of the 100 year-old tale, by J. Mark Sugars & Frank."

    'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bullshit was as yet unknown.

    A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

    At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking glass in the moonlight.

    Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!" and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    "Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

    The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

    On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" David replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

    On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

    Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

    Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

    Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

    This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

    Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

    When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!" not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls? If I had two, I could be King!"

    Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

    Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

    Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,weaverdun
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 03:18 PM

Well, I am floored by all this charming verse.

There was a french phrase which I belive one said to avoid actually saying "balls". Si ma tante en avait, elle sera mon oncle. Roughly - ifmy aunt had them, she'd be my uncle.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 07:27 PM

I previously posted a link to Llewtrah's bawdy ballad site, which contains several versions of this monologue, mostly shorter but which do contain some other elements.

I myself remember a fourth day, when Daniel was asked how is it?
It aches said Daniel
What aches said the Queen (or whoever it was in that version)
Boll-aches said Daniel

Does anyone have any history? I remember it from school in the 1950's, but it must quite old, judging from the variations of the text.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 11:45 PM

Somewhere TV or movies)I saw Elizibeth Taylor recite the following:
   Balls cried the Queen
   If I had two I'd be King
   If I had five I'd be a pin ball machine!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Lighter
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 11:58 PM

An older friend of mine once quoted "'Balls,' said the Queen. 'If I had 'em, I'd be King" to me in the '60s. That was all he could remember of a long "story" he'd heard on the U.S. East Coast in the late 1930s.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 12:33 AM

I was told that "The Night of the King's Castration" was composed by the "ladies" of the University of Chicago law school, in response to a challenge by the men that they couldn't come up with anything really obscene.
My sister attended the University of Chicago, though she went to law school at Illinois Institute of Technology. But she doesn't know if the immortal words came from the U of C.
Sophonisba P. Breckenridge, one of the first women on the faculty of the University of Chicago said, "It's what's between a person's ears that counts, not what's between her legs." And that I'm sure of.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: EBarnacle
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 01:04 AM

There is an old Yiddish saying: If my grandmother had had the balls, she would be my grandfather.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Peace
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 01:09 AM

The one I remember is

Balls! said the Queen. If I had 'em I'd be King. And the King laughed, not because he wanted t(w)o but because he had t(w)oo.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,whrj@aol.com
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 08:24 AM

One of the passages that I remember say "Shit" said the king and in the coleseum there was a great movement as in those days the kings word was law.

All the counts and no accounts were sitting aroung slinging camel shit because in those days bull shit was unheard of.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 11:00 AM

You don't have to be Jewish: In the Methodist milieu of some of my ancestors, the saying was, "Yes, and if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle". Likewise the Russians respond to iffy statements with a rhyme that translates to "If it weren't for if & but, I'd have been a general a long time ago".

*

The alternating choruses of yay & boo also occur in "Parties Make the World Go Round", e.g.

There will be no swimming in the pool / We are using it to store the beer

Positively no fornication on the dance floor / And no dancing on the fornication floor

It is forbidden to touch the barmaids' delicate dresses / They are made of cellophane

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: Of all the adornments of power, the most impressive is restraint. :||


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Pseudolus
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 11:51 AM

Try going here

Frank


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 05 - 10:29 AM

The phrase I've heard was "If my aunt had two wheels, she'd be a pushcart" (assuming of course, some preknowledge of the original)


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Charmion
Date: 20 Sep 05 - 03:11 PM

"If my aunt had wheels, she'd be a bicycle" is the version I learned from my dear old history professor.

Such recitations are known as "sod's operas" in the Royal Navy. My favourite is 'Awkins' 'Alo, the one about the angel (ex-able seaman) who gets tired of harping and ends up on Creator's Report, where he is sentenced to three days Hell:

"'Ere to 'ere, fiery chariots wheel-greasing.
'Ere to 'ere, Pearly Gates rail polishing.
Remainder: 'Arpin."
So I 'arps from noon to stand-easy, and I 'arps from stand-easy to dinner.

Et cetera.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 09:00 AM

I heard the "'Balls!' said the Queen" phrase at Ft. Riley, Kansas in the Fall of 1963.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ALLAN S
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 06:39 PM

IS THAT THE JON/JOHN BARTLETT WHO WAS IN THE U-CONN OUTING CLUB IN THE 1950'S


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Del
Date: 19 Oct 05 - 05:10 AM

I have heard this before somewhere but rather than regarding Daniel it was about Isaac the court jester.Like everyone else i cant remember it all...

While walking in the wilderness one day Isaac came up on a fair maiden, who, indignantly cleaned herself and waltzed off.

Twas in this same wilderness isaac was set upon by bandits from the east. Bum bandits be they! Isaac was shagged ragged and debagged, being left sore and tore.

UPon walking in this same wilderness 9 mopnths later he came upon the same fair maidnen..twice.. sideways! The fair maiden said to Isaac " i am with your child dear isaac, what steps will you take? "fucking great big ones back to the castle" said isaac.

Meanwhile, back at the castle shit was being flung at random. Now random, being a sly bastard ducked and the shit hit the queen. "Well fuck me!" said the queen and 50 000 men were killed in the rush. All except the butler who was dipping his dick in yellow dessert. When asked to comment on the days' proceedings the butler replied "I'm fucking dis custard"...

(hope it helps or reminds someone of another verse. (anyone else heard of isaac the court jester?)


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Oct 05 - 06:24 AM

When the aliens arrived, we were unready.
   We were just sitting around the dinner table, mindlessly chattering when the knock came. With a welcoming smile, Grandpa went to the door, swung it open, and was instantly vaporized. Horrified, we watched our grandfather's ashes slowly settle to the floor. The door creaked shut.
   "Aliens!" Grandma whispered, looking at each of us in turn.
   A few moments of silence followed. And then, another knock.
   This time Grandma grabbed her dead husband's shotgun, signaled everyone of her intent, and crept quietly to the door. Her jaw was set and the kind eternal light had left her pale blue eyes; I saw the wild look of the vengeful she-wolf bent on protecting her cubs.
   Grandma suddenly flung the door open and I saw her quickly blast away with both rounds from the over-and under.
   When the smoke cleared, we all stood there in silence... looking down at the twisted and bloody body of Harold Schmidt, the mailman, his bag of letters scattered across the walkway and a C.O.D. parcel lying inches from his twitching fingers.
   "Who would've thought?" Grandma's voice said with a quiver. "Harold Schmidt!... a fucking alien!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Knave of Spades
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 06:36 PM

This is hilarious. I remember parts of this from Illinois Institute of Technology in the early 70s. In the version heard, about Dightheria, the king said, "What that f**king Greek is hear again." and Diphtheria had a line.

At some point the King said, "F**k the Queen." and it ended with, "and 50,000 peasants were crushed in the rush to f**k the Queen, for in those days the King's word was law."

LOL

Knavey


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Naemanson
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 07:26 PM

Somewhere I once heard,

Balls said the queen, if I had two I'd be king.
Balls, said the prince, I have two and I'm not king.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,pavane
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:31 AM

The link (to Llewtrah's bawdy site) given in 2001 (Jon Freeman's post) is no longer valid. I think Sarah moved her site some time ago.
There were indeed several versions there, none of which fully matches the version I remember from school (c1963)


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Subject: RE: Origins: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST, bryan
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 04:36 PM

the link

http://ingeb.org/Lieder/thenight.html


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Subject: RE: Origins: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,JefJac
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 05:16 PM

" Oh ,shit," said the King and 40,000 courtiers strained themselves upon the lawn for in those days the King's word was law and to disobey meant death.

Suddenly a lion grabbed Daniel by the left ball, " it tickles ,"said Daniel." "What tickles?" said the King. " Testicles," said Daniel, thereby scoring points for the common man.
" Roll over, " said the King. " I'll be fucked if I will", said the Queen. " You'll be corn-holed if you don't" said the King, thereby scoring points for the nobility.

I first heard bits of this from an Englishman nearly 40 years ago and would give anything to know more. Pass this on.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST, STP
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:24 PM

our father would resite blips and bits of thiswhile in his cups the fragments are as folows:

"twas the coronation of the king asshole friday. All the counts and noaccounts were there. The barons were in the courtyard throwing camel shit for bullshit had not been invented. Enter Daniel...
"...The king ordered Daniel to be thrown into the lions den. He called for the lions to come forth, they slipped in camel shit and came in fifth..."
"...Balls cried the queen,if I had them I'd be king."
"...the Queen,the Queen" cried the herald."Fuck the queen" said the king. Thus Daniel and and forty others were killed in the rush."
Coupled with others I believe we can concoct a passable rendition. Does anyone know the origin of this ditty? Our Father was in his prime in the 30's and 40'sif this can pin done a time frame.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:47 PM

Gawd !! memories of the NAAFI beer bar in Germany in 1961 !!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Rowan
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 12:20 AM

Jim Dixon's post above contains most of the lines I recall of this epic (and many I don't), which I first heard around 1960, in Melbourne. But where his version has

"This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot."

I recall
""This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save the Duke who, being a man of action and very few words, grabbed the Queen by the cheeks of her arse and drew her onto his dick like a wet Wellington boot."

I also recall most of the variations mentioned above of "They've torn down the pub!" from the same era and circumstances. I suspect the considerable variation in these epics (and others, such as "The bastard from the bush" is due to the fact that they were all orally tranmitted (now, there's an image) and aurally constructed, rather than written down.

Kel Watkins did a project about 20 years ago on what he called 'photocopied folklore'. I seem to recall that such items as "The sex life of an electron" (which was a narrative using all the technical terms used in basic electronics) displayed considerable variation when only typewriters were available to pass them on, and that this variation diminished when photocopiers came into frequent use in the 70s. Now that sources such as Jim's are now available digitally (another image to conjure with) I suspect the variation in these items will also diminish. Pity!

Cheers, Rowan


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 12:30 AM

If the rabbit hadn't stopped to shit,
he would've won the race.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fat B****rd
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 05:02 AM

The version I heard began with "And Daniel shat a mighty turd...."
Matthew Humberstone Foundation School, Cleethorpes, c. 1961.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:23 PM

And I suspect that the Jon Bartlett post was from the Ramskyte (now Wholehearted)JB?

Kitty


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:48 PM

From "Yay! - Boo"

   You can't sleep with our bar maids/waitresses. Boo!

   They won't let you sleep! Yay!

   We're gonna throw all of the beer in the river. Boo!

   (sung) Shall we gather at the river? Yay!

And finish up with a couple of rounds of, "Let's Have a Party" This is on one of Oscar Brand's Air Force Songs records. cf Immortalia.com

    Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 06:52 PM

One version of, T'was the night of the King's Castration is here on this folk site.

Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 07:04 PM

And here's another version of, T'was the night of the King's Castration, from the Immortalia site.

Dave


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Russ Martin
Date: 30 May 07 - 10:37 PM

I didn't hear this as a song or rhyme. It was told to me by a buddy named Joe Huff, from Childress, Texas, when I was a sophomore in college--that would be about 40 years ago.

----------------

It was back in the days of counts, no-counts, and discounts. We were sitting around the square table shooting camel turds. (Bullshit in those days was unheard of.)

Shit was flying at random. Random ducked. The shit hit the King. "Shit!" said the King. And 20,000 peasants squatted and strained, for in those days, the King's word was law.

The scene shifts to the royal bedroom.

"Roll over!" said the King. "I'll be fucked if I do," said the Queen. "You'll be cornholed if you don't," said the King.

"Balls," said the Queen, and the King laughed because he had two.

"By the way," said the King, "where is the Princess?" "The Princess," said the Queen, "is out with the Duke."

"WHAT?" said the King. "You mean the Princess prefers the dirty dangling dick of the Danish duke to the purple precious penis of the Persian prince?"

"Yes," said the Queen.

"Fuck the Duke," said the King.

And 20,000 peasants were killed in the rush, for in those days, the King's word was law.

And besides, ass was scarce.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,need full version of "I was cruising down br
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 09:54 PM

I was cruising down broadway one warm summers night when a tender young maiden hove into sight. I hoisted my flags to which she replied: I'm a tender young dumboat going out with the tide. I took her in tow down a causeway not so neat to a room at the end of the street.We went to a room where she laid her lily white hand on my flowing jib boom. We tossed and turned when she let out a cry: Sailor, your doing me harm, your in the wrong port. Wrong port hell, any port in a storm. I think there is more, but I cant remember it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,other things ive heard
Date: 01 Sep 07 - 04:44 AM

there stood the princess with her beautiful blue eyes one blew left and one blew right and when she cried tears ran down her back.with her luxious black hair hanging from her arm pits.andshe had ears like petals bicycle pedals.she was waring a gownless evening strap and her open toed football boots.                                          i heard this from my grand father it was very similar to the kings castration because he would start it with .SHIT cried the king and a thousand warriors strained. but he only knew a few verses .another thing he used to say was when you asked him how long ago he,d say (back when jesus christ played halfback for the jeruselum giants


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Strad
Date: 01 Sep 07 - 10:42 AM

After the thieves had finished with Daniel he went on his way in the desert singing "Twinkle, twinkle little rectum, Big prick come when least expectum"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 11:55 PM

The version of "The King's Castration I heard started thus:

'Twas the night of the King's Castration,
'Twas the night of the King's last ball.

All the cunts and cuntesses stood around camel-shitting
as bull-shitting hadn't been invewnted yet.

Where's The QUeen? the Bishop cried
Fuck the Queen, the King said
and 5000 duitiful subjects quickly jumped on and ravished the queen


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 10:46 AM

My dad used to say 'Balls" said the Queeen because she wanted two.
The King laughed because he had two.
   He also used to say "I gave her an organ for Christmas, and boy the look on her face when she saw those two nuts come pushing it in."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Zotzman
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...I'd be King...

The King laughed because he had two... The Queen cried because she wanted two...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 11:21 AM

Wasn't that said at the very start of this thread?
Are balls related to a circular argument?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:09 PM

I have nothing new to add to this list, but I surely advantaged my sophomoric self of many of these hoary old items in my misspent youth. I salute the horde of scatologists who precede me. AMEN


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Stringsinger
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:39 PM

"Bollocks" cried the Queen "and if I had some I'd be Queen Elizabeth!"

Queen Lizzie had been known for her scatalogical references and to put it crudely, "fart jokes".

"If I had three, I would be a pawnshop."

Frank


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 09 Feb 08 - 01:28 PM

No, I am not "the Jon/John Bartlett who was in the U-Conn Outing Club in the 1950's", (Guest Allan S., 21 Sept 05) nor am I the "Ramskyte (now Wholehearted) JB?" (Herga Kitty, 20 Nov 06). I am the ex-Vancouver, now Princeton BC Jon Bartlett. Sorry to be so long answering!

Jon Bartlett


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,An Olde Court Jester...
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 10:35 PM

Following is the entire version I heard recited by Francis Bacon (Not the "Sir Francis Bacon" you're thinking of) on our high school band bus years ago...

T'was the night of the King's Castration and the King was giving a Ball...his left one.

The Queen had said "I want to be King too!", and so the King agreed...not because he had to, but because he had two!

But when the King said "Ball"...well, everyone did, so there was a population explosion in the land.

So the King summonned forth David, but David slipped on a lion's turd and came fifth...

"Ho!" said David.
"What Ho?" asked the King.
"Ass Ho!" replied David.
Chalk one up for the common people.

For his insolence, David was thrown into the lion's den...
As a lion crept upon him, David grabbed him by the balls.

"That tickles!" said the lion.
"What tickles?" asked David.
"Testicles!" replied the lion.
Chalk one up for the mangey beast.

Meanwhile, the knights were merrily stacking camel turds upon the round table, as bullshit had not yet been invented.

Shit flew at random. Random ducked. Shit hit the King.

"Shit!" yelled the King. And the King's word being law in those days, there was a mass movement throughout the land.

Later that night in the Royal Bedchamber, "Roll over!" said the King.
"Fu@#ed if I will!" said the Queen. "Yes, indeed! But corn holed if you don't!" said the King.

As it came out, the Queen got it in

The End...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 07:54 AM

Surely 'The king said come forth... but David... came fifth' otherwise it doesn't make sense


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Escapee
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 12:15 AM

Twats that? I cunt hear you.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Peter
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 09:54 AM

I recall a geologist friend reciting at length a version of "Twas a dark and stormy night" in Cape Town, Tavern of the Seas, in '74 or so.

Fragments I remember:

"But the bosun, crafty bastard what 'ee were, stole the longboat

The Witchdoctor balanced ....

Then Lord Charles ... balanced ..

But the Bosun, crafty bastard what 'e were, .. balanced ... one witchdoctor, .. and four packets of Woodbines, the best cigarettes, the finest cigarettes, .... (That seems to have been an ad slogan, which should date this version.

The island king's dusky and beautiful daughters were Sophilis and Gonorea

Anyone know the rest?

If not I will email the lad, currently in Madagascar, and ask if he can recall the whole thing, and where he got it.

His best was "Liza is my baby, from Sophiatown." Now Soweto.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Tootler
Date: 12 Oct 08 - 12:41 AM

I remember "Daniel" from my time at University. The version I knew began something like this:

"In days of old when knights were bold, someone wrote "Arseholes" upon the scroll of honour. At this the King was sore angered and did call forth his courtiers and after many days mating and mutually mass debating, they did decide beyond all doubt that 'twas Daniel who had done the dirty deed and did cast him into the Lions den..."

The next bit is much like has been posted previously but further on there was this:

"...and the King did banish Daniel to the desert and Daniel went forth and came unto the Waxy Flaxy Maiden. She, seeing him came unto Daniel and said 'Daniel, Daniel, wilt thou lie with this night?' 'Verily' said Daniel and he lay with her. In the morning, Daniel did arise and went on his way. After wandering in the desert for forty days and forty nights, Daniel came once more unto the Waxy Flaxy Maiden who, seeing him, did come unto him and said 'Daniel, Daniel, I am forty days and forty nights with child! What steps art thou going to take?' 'Bloody great big ones!' said Daniel and departed coming once more unto the city where Daniel did spy the King. Daniel took up a lump of crystalline camel turd and did cast it at the King, striking him square between the eyes. 'Shot', said Daniel. 'Shit', said the King..." and the rest you already know.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,felonor
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 12:54 PM

I had an old friend who would recite the whole thing, line by line and verse by verse. Of course we were drunk at the time and I could never remember it afterward. I do remember that it was all very much like the above but that it ended with the King saying, "I wouldnt send a Knight out on a dog like this..."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Pontefractious
Date: 11 Feb 09 - 05:13 PM

current at my school in Cambridge, England in the 1950s -

Shit said the King and a thousand arseholes strained.
Stop said the King and a thousand turds were nipped in the bud.
For in those days, the King's word was law

also (in a broad Yorkshire accent):

And God said unto Ahab - go forth into t' desert
And Ahab went forth into t' desert.
And whilst in t' desert, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said -
Wilt thou tarry with me here ? And Ahab said - Yea, I will!.
And it came to pass that Ahab tarried for forty days and forty nights. And on forty first day, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said - Lo ! I am great with child. What steps wilt thou take ? and Ahab said - Bloody great big ones, and buggered off into t' desert.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:32 AM

The first time I heard this was in Memphis TN while in Navy jet school - 1969


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 05:19 AM

Someone actually wrote a Science Fiction short story (1950's or 60s?)about an era (Parallel history? British Empire in space) when spaceship pilots were all knighted as part of the job. One became stranded on a planet where the local transport was (you guessed it) large mutant dogs.

His quote, when offered one to ride : "You wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like this".
Memo: Must track down the story!

On the subject of the Saga of Daniel, there are many versions, and like the postings above, most have only part of the whole saga.

Has any historian tracked down a full and coherent version, I wonder. Jim Dixon's, above, still doesn't have everything that I remember, and is different in some details.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 02:17 PM

I think the only line I ever heard (of this genre)that was not printed somewhere above had to do with "And fifty thousand loyal subjects dropped their chain-mail pants!" What a trove of true scatalogical pearls!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Me
Date: 29 Mar 09 - 12:54 PM

The bits I remember:

On the day of the passover of the castration of the camels,
Daniel set forth to masturbate
On the way he was set upon by thieves
These were not ordinary thieves
These were bum chum thieves
They ragged him, bagged him and shagged him
And left him on the roadside to die.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Me Again
Date: 29 Mar 09 - 01:02 PM

But wait there's more:

But Daniel did not die
He made his way to Babylon
Where he was arrested for painting arseholes on the palace walls
He was taken before the king
(something I don't remember)
The king cried "shit"
And 40 000 arseholes heaved in strain
The king cried "stop"
And 40 000 prime turds were nipped in the bud

That's it as far as I can remember. It was a long time ago and far far away ...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,bobilla
Date: 17 Aug 09 - 08:29 AM

The scraps I remember from forestry camps around Melbourne in the late sixties were all supposed to be from a saga called "Daniel in the Lions Den", but the story revolved around the one-up-manship of the bosun, "cunning bugger that he was" paddling ashore in a sanitary can and balancing the witchdoctor etc and one packet of WD & HO Wills, the only cigarette in place of Woodbine, as above....

....Together with the the exhortations of the ladies of the court;

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess.
"What, again?" moaned the Duke, wiping his prick on the tablecloth...

"Fuck me" cried the Queen and a giant Nubian slave slipped her on like a glove.

"Fuck me" cried the Duchess but no-one moved save one old sailor who, grabbing her by the scruff of the cunt, pulled her on like a well worn seaboot.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 06:58 AM

Having re-read this today I'm suprised I didn't comment before. I thought and remember from the late 60's that it started:,P>Twas in the days of good king Azimiarse the first that the words bollocks was found written on the palace doors and the king being in a foul mood, roared. "Who has done this foul deed?". One spotty faced little man playing with himself in the corner shouted, "Daniel". "Lo", said the king. "Let Daniel be sent for" and so it goes on with many of the variations written above incorporated into the monologue. Such bits as. "Shit", said the King etc. "Fuck me" said the queen and 1000 men were trampled in the rush. "Fuck me" cried the queen mother and nobody moved except one old man who'd been wanking off under his cloak. etc.

I though Micca might have written it down as it was from the same college that we both went to that I heard it, possibly from him or we both knew someone who knew it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Lighter
Date: 18 Aug 09 - 08:24 AM

I too heard once heard the complete "Daniel" story - from a Tennessean who would have made a good Charles Dickens character if Dickens had wanted an X-rating. It was over thirty years ago.

I mention it because most of the upthread recollections seem to be from the other side of one ocean or another.

I was clever enough to write it down at the time and may still have it. If I find it, I'll post it.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 10:21 AM

. . . and lo ! It came to pass that Daniel shat a great turd, eight cubits and three spans in size, and the lions were sore afraid.

And it came to pass that the king came down to the lions' den to see what manner of man cound survive there.

And Daniel Seized his turd and threw it at random. That crafty fucker Random ducked and the tyrd hit the king.

"Shut !" cries the king

"Riight first time ! "cries Daniel, and the drinks were on the King.

And the king wrought exceeeding wrath.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,peebeer
Date: 14 Dec 09 - 04:33 PM

The dukes a long time coming today, remarked the duchess, stirring her tea with her other hand. Fuck me! said the queen. not while there's dogs in the street, replied the king.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Ruth Archer
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 06:48 AM

I found out last night through the wonder of Facebook that an old friend, who I have not seen in over 20 years, passed away some time ago. His name was Ivan Selwood, and he was one of the funniest people I have ever known (and bloody infuriating into the bargain). He was a raconteur of epic proportions, an utterly larger-than-life figure, and his songs and recitations were the stuff of legend in the ex-pat pubs round Hollywood. He was from England originally, and apparently returned here to live about 15 years ago. In the unlikely event that any Mudcatters ever came across him (in the Luton area, possibly), I'd love to hear from them.

I had long been looking for the source of one of his recitations, which we called The Bosun. Incredibly, when I put some of the words I could remember into google last night after learning of his death, it led me straight to Mudcat (what are the chances of that happening, eh?) and this thread, which I have noticed previously but never opened. I found that Snuffy had posted a version of The Bosun in 2001. So here, cobbled from Snuffy's post and what I can remember from over 20 years ago, is my feeble reconstruction of Ivan's version, in his memory. The bits in brackets are audience participation - everyone in the pub shouts them out.

I just know that wherever he is, he's propping up the bar, pint in one hand and a pouch of Drum tobacco in the other, telling stories and singing songs and playing that bloody awful version of Carrickfergus on the mandolin (I can hear him now: "You what? What a diabolical fucking liberty!").


The Bosun

It was the third day of the third week of the third month of 1833
When we set sail for those Goddamn Isles.
The ship was tossing on the ocean
And likewise the crew within their bunks.
But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Took the ship's only longboat
And rowed to the nearest of those Goddamn Isles
Where they were holding the Feast of the Festering Foreskin

Into the ring jumped the King (a dirty sod)
The Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And likewise the King's two beautiful daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)

Whosoever shall bring forth the longest penis
Said the King (a dirty sod)
Shall have tea with my daughters (SyPHEELius and GhonNOR-eea)
Not Typhoo Tea
Not Mazawattee Tea
But C-U-N-T

Into the ring jumped the Witch Doctor
And proceeded to draw forth twelve and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Two occasional tables
Three mahagonay armchairs
Four packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean).

But the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Strode into the ring, and titivating his penis
Between the thumb and forefinger
Of his right hand, caused that member to expand to enoooormous proportions,
Upon which he proceeded to balance
One Witch Doctor
Four occasional tables
Five mahagonay armchairs
Six packets of Woodbines (the ONLY brand)
And a bar of soap (just to keep the party clean)

"Shit" said the King (a dirty sod)
And forty thousand loyal arses heaved and strained with all their majestic might
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Stop" said the Queen (a voluptuous bitch)
And forty thousand long, black, coiled, spirally turds hung in mid-suspension
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)

"Fuck Me" said the Princess
And sixty thousand chickens and one mangy dog were killed in the crush
And the bosun (a cunning fucker he was)
Lay with her for forty days and forty nights

...And that's about all I remember.



Cheers, Ivan.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 10:22 AM

And Daniel lay with the mais and came across her. Daniel woke and inquired of the mais "What time is it ?" : and the mais replied "It is five bells on the forenoon watch".   "Fuck me" said Danile, "I've done it again".

And Daniel did go unto the dockyard gates of the dockyards of Chatham and Portsmouth. And did the killick of the working party inquired of him "Daniel, where hast thou been?".

And Daniel did reply "Verily, I have been fucking".

And the killick of the working party did say "If thou hast been fucking Verily, produce thine organ".

And Daniel drew from his britches a dick the pride of the Navy, the sight of which caused the mainbrace to be spliced, a great cheer to rise from the assembled ships and a rally on the bosun's pipe.

"Squeeze, Daniel, squeeze" quoth the killick of the working party.

So he squeezed and he squoze and a bubble arose.

"Daniel" quoth the killick of the working party "Thou has contracted a disease, no ordinary disease but a social disease. Therefore must thou sojourne in the desert for forty days and forty nights".

And so it came to pass that Daniel did unto the desert go. And there he was set upon by bandits, no ordinary banditd, but arse bandits who scragged him, debagged him and shagged him, and sent him on his way rejoicing, with his pockets jingling and his arsehole tingling.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,george
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I heard "Queen of the Goddam Isles" from an Australian Company Commander, in Japan, in 1946. the line was.....but "Bosun, cunning barstard that 'e were, paddled ashore in a latrine bucket"...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Curtwn
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:16 PM

This is the best I can remember of 'The Death of the 69,000'. I was in Turkey in 1962 when I came across it. There are many good things to be said for growing old (retiring and grandkids for instance), but memory is probably not one of them.



It was the night of the King's castration. He was given a ball, his left one.

All the counts, no-accounts and discounts were sitting around flinging camel turds, for bullshit was unheard of in those days.

Out strode the King in his diamond-studded jockey strap as turds were being flung at Random. But Random ducked and a turd hit the King full in the face.

"Shit", cried the King. And the whole nation squatted and groaned.

"Balls", cried the Queen for if I had two I'd become king".

The King laughed not because he wanted to, but because he didn't have two.

The King cried, "David come forth".

But David slipped on a camel turd and came in fifth.

"Whoa", cried David.

"What whoa", cried the King.

"Asshole", cried David. And scored one up for the common people.

Then David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "She's in bed with diphtheria".

David he say, "What, that Greek bastards back again?"

For this David was thrown in the lions den.

He grabbed the lion by the left nut.

The lion he say "That tickles".

David he say "What tickles".

The lion he say, "Testicles". And scored one up for the mangy beast.

Up his release from the lion's den again David he say, "Where's the Queen?"

The King he say, "Fuck the Queen".

And 69,000 were killed in the mad rush for in those days the King's word was the law.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,johnno
Date: 02 May 10 - 06:59 PM

It was Daniel in the Lion's den where he slew the lion, "shit" said the king and 40 thousand arseholes flashed in the noonday sun and shit flew at random, but random being a clever fucker, ducked, and the lot fell upon the queen, "Fuck me" said the queen and 20 thousand me and 4 mad dogs died in the rush, and the laugh was on the queen, and so was Daniel. "Let there be light" said Daniel, and you could see for fucking miles. Then Daniel went out of the land of Mesopotamia and he came upon the woman with whom he had lain and she said "Daniel, I am heavy with child, what steps are you going to take?" "Fucking great ones" said Daniel, and you couldn't see him for dust


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Leith
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 01:44 AM

This is a better version I think.

Daniel


In the beginning the Lord said, "Let there be light!" and there was light. You could see for bloody miles.

The Lord said, "Let there be rain!" and there was rain. It fair pissed down.

Now this was in the days of good King Anus, before the castration of Abercock, whenst Daniel wrote "Shit" upon the king's shield. Now in those far-off days it was no mean feat to write "shit" upon the king's shield.
So the king had Daniel cast into a den of ferocious lions. Whereupon Daniel shat a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide.
The king soon heard of this and said "What manner of man is this, who can shit a shit 40 cubits high by 40 cubits wide?"
The king commanded Daniel to come forth. Daniel slipped on a petrified lion's turd, came fifth and was disqualified. Picking up this fucking great turd, he flung it at the king.
"Shit!" Cried the king.
"Right first time" cried Daniel, "Drinks on the king!".
"Shit!" Cried the king again. 10,000 arseholes strained to their utmost for in those far-off days the king's word was law.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen.
"Fuck yourself" cried Daniel and threw her a candle.
"Fuck me!" cried the queen again. No one stirred but the lowest shit-shoveller in all the land who came forth prick in hand and drew her on like a worn out Russian boot.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess. 10 strong men were killed in the rush.
"Fuck me!" cried the princess again. Daniel came forth throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder saying, "Bring me my brass-bound buggery box. Bring me my copper-bound copulating canister. Bring me my potassium plated penis puller. Bring me my tungsten- tipped twat twitching tweezers."
It was about this time 10 ten vestal virgins came riding in on their menstrual cycles, singing the top pop tune of the week, "When Tools Rush In" It was at this time Goliath also did come down out of the mountains and taking one of these vestal virgins, he slept with her for 40 days and 40 nights upon the synagogue steps.
And after this time had passed she said to Goliath, "Goliath, Goliath, thou hast made me pregnant. What steps are thoust going to take?"
"Bloody great long ones," said Goliath and disappeared into the mountains never to be seen again.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 03:48 AM

Every version I have seen is missing some vital component.
For example, I have never seen a version containing this chunk from the one I heard at school

after:
"Fuck Me" said the Princess (and 40,000 killed in the rush etc)

"The winner was an old vizier who had been w**kig in the corner for 50 years. He pulled apart the lips of her c**t and pulled it on like a well-oiled sea-boot."

There was also some crystalline camel dung involved.

Surely the time has come for a definitive version to be compiled.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 10:40 PM

"Balls cried the Queen, if I had two..."

Wasn't that Obama's campaign song?

GfS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: LadyJean
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 11:35 PM

In my college days the recitation was punctuated now and again with, "In those days the king's word was law. Drink to the king's word." And all the frat boys would drink.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jun 10 - 06:25 PM

I remember, "A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in one of those Yukon halls - The kid that handled the music box was lazily scratching his balls - When into the din and glare, burst a grizzled
old miner up from the creek, dog dirty and loaded for bear"

...........

The lights came on and there of the floor lay poor old corn-holed Dan


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Jun 10 - 05:37 PM

I have heard many, many variations of all of this dating back well over sixty years. But, free-association being the bringer of all weirdness, I was moved to recall a riddle:

Q: Who is the most popular fellow in the nudist (naturist) camp?


A: The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and half a dozen donuts to the taffy pulling...

So sorry....


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,King James
Date: 27 Jul 10 - 08:38 AM

Well, I remember this "Story" from the early '50s, and it was a little "cleaner" than recent postings. I don't recall the "F" word being used, but.....that WAS a long time ago. Only parts I remember were: "Balls", cried the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King." And, one I haven't seem here: "More land", cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for you!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Laura Norder
Date: 02 Aug 10 - 07:42 AM

I remember first hearing "The Bosun, cunning bugger that he were, and not to be outdone" in 1946 in Merebrook camp at Malvern.

As I recall it, the two Princesses were:
"Irene and Urine, as like as two peas.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 03:59 PM

Oh dark and hairy slit,
how men can wallow in your piss
and swear it is eternal bliss,
I'm fucked if I know.

Shakespear


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,The King
Date: 27 Jan 11 - 10:46 AM

The only parts I remember are:

Balls cried the Queen; if I had two, I'd be King.

And.....

More land cried the King. So the Queen kicked him in the nuts and said, "There's a couple of acres for ya."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,GUEST,Kent in NJ
Date: 24 Apr 11 - 10:17 PM

My roommate freshman year in college would say "Balls said the Queen. If I had'em, I'd be King. The King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had t(w)o."

We took up the line when we played cards (usually Bridge or Oh Hell): if you beat your opponent's high card it was "Not because I had to, but because I wanted to." If you dropped a winner on your partner's winner it was "Not because I wanted to, but because I had to."

Same roomie also was fond of telling us about a great double feature: "The first one is 'The King's Hand." You had to ask "Ok. What's it playing with?" "'The Queen's Ass'" came the reply.

And it just so happened there was a department store chain called 2 Guys near the school, so this double feature played at the Four Ball Theater, which was located down 18 just below 2 Guys.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ken
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 08:23 AM

Im trying to ger words to a recitation about a bosun. Parts that I remember were
And then we hit a rock.Or at least I thought we had hit a rock
And Sir Charles he also thought we had hit a rock
But the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
He said we'd run aground.

Another part -
At least I thought she was beautiful
And Sir Charles he also thought she was beautiful
Bit the Bosun, the crafty old bastard
he said she was a voluptous bitch."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,vecchio
Date: 23 Oct 11 - 02:35 AM

We're nearly there! Im thought we had struck a rock, the captain he said we had struc a rock but the Boatswain he said we had run aground


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,40 days and 40 nights
Date: 10 Apr 12 - 08:35 PM

I notice the interpolation in several cases of a couple of lines involving 40 days and 40 nights. My guess is that these lines are borrowed from a venerable rhyme which I have only ever heard done with a broad Yorkshire accent, as follows:

And God said unto Ahab "Go forth into t'desert." And Ahab went forth into t'desert. And whilst in t'desert, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Wilt thou tarry with me here ?" And Ahab said "Yea, I will." And it came to pass that he tarried for forty days and forty nights. And on t'forty-first day, flaxen-haired maiden come unto Ahab and said "Lo, I am great with child. What steps wilt thou take ?" and Ahab said "Bloody great big ones !" and buggered off into t'desert.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Webfoot
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 03:16 AM

There are really some great lines among all these posts - I think I shall attempt soon to use bits and pieces from each to produce a Final Copy!

My version which goes back to my West Country Rugby days, sadly many years ago - goes like this more or less

And down from the hills came Ahab, son of Ehab of the later Arabibab.
And he fell among thieves, not ordinary thieves, but arsehole thieves, who regged him , debagged him and nigh on shagged him and sent him on his way rejiocing - YEH but with a sore arse.

And he came upon a well, and the maid of the well said "tarryeth" and he tarried 40 days and 40 nights and on the 40th night the maid said " I bear thee a child, what steps wilt thou take?"

A fucking great big ine right across the desert and so it came tio pass he came upon a city wherein there dwelt a virgin queen.

"Shit" cried the Queen and 40000 arseholes turned towards Mecca.

"Fuck Me" cried the queen.

No-one stirred save an old man tooling in the corner who slipped it in like a well-worn sea boot.

And Daniel was cast into the lion's den where he shat a great shite, and the lion's, murmering among themselves said "what manner of man is this that shitteth such a great shite?"

So Daniel took a turd measuring 30 cubits by 40 cubits and did smite the King on the left knacker.Shot murmered Daniel, Shit said the King, Fuck Me Cried the queen.

At this point 10,000 courtiers were killed in the rush for in those days it was death to defy the queen


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Llib Enilom
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 03:55 PM

Bits I can remember
SHIT cried the King. and Fourty courteous Coogee Kasbah carno crutch cannibals crept to the Kasbah, queued up crapt and crept back again for mark you in those days the kings word was law.

Fuck Me cried the duchess, more in hope than in anger, and fourty thousand of the kings cavalry were killed in the rush. All that is except Daniel, who crept over the dead and around the wounded and slipped on like a well worn wellington boot.

Act 1 Enter Daniel
Daniel may be clearly distinguished by the large penis which he carries loosely in his left hand.
Further on
Daniel rolled back a greasy foreskin to expose two bent and rusted six inch nails a six inch shifter (shifting spanner) and a small field mouse.
Daniel, throwing his left ball over his right shoulder and his right ball over his left shoulder, which in those days was no mean feat, strode from the arena.
I wish I could remember more of this which I heard in Sydney around 50 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Brighton Bobby
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 05:10 PM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ankh007
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 01:04 PM

Gotta love the oral tradition -- here's the version I learned in the 70s:

Ten thousand years before the Age of Bullshit, everyone was throwing shit at Random, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, ducked, and the shit hit the King, and the King said, "Shit!"

Immediately ten thousand loyal subjects proceeded to drop trou' and groan.

For this, Random was brought before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Upstairs in bed with Syphilis."

Random to King: "Oh, so that Greek fucker is back in town."

For this, Random was thrown to the lions, but Random being the fast fucker that he was, grabbed the lion by the left nut, threw it over his right shoulder, and proceeded to fuck the life out of it.

For this, Random was brought back before the King.

Random to King: "Where's the Queen?"

King to Random: "Fuck the Queen!"

Immediately, ten thousand royal subjects proceeded to the Royal Bedchamber to fuck the Queen, but Random, being the fast fucker that he was, got there first.

Random to Queen: "Roll over, Your Majesty!"

Queen to Random: "Fuck if I will!"

Random to Queen: "Cornhole if you don't!"

Queen to Random: "I don't believe it, you lion fucker."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Mar 13 - 06:22 PM

Draws on an old vaudeville joke:
"How's the wife?"
"Aah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Habib
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 01:30 AM

I remember it as:
Where's the Princess asks Daniel?
She's upstairs in bed with Arthritis, replies the King.
Hah! Says Daniel, I know the Ritis family well and
Arthur is the dirtiest bastard of them all.


Also the opening I remember as
It was the night of the kings feast and the knights were seated
at the four corners of the round table flinging sheep-shit at
each other, as in those days bull-shitting had not been invented.

Mind you, these memories are from some 50 years ago, so.......


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 13 - 02:12 AM

Liverpool variants:
"Well fuck me" said the Queen, and the knight rolled on.
And a Liverpool/Russian variant about Rasputin
"Fuck me" said the Tsarina, and the hairy monk jumped out of his bunk and shot connie-onnie (condensed milk) all over her.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Walter the wombat
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 07:35 PM

All I remember from the '60s:

"Fuck me" cried the Queen. And with that, the captain of the guard stepped forward and, taking a firm grip of the right breast and the left buttock, drew her on like a well-worn wellington boot.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:04 PM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:09 PM

And this in a week when 'Er Maj has been complaining about the RPG nibbling 'Er nuts...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 14 Dec 13 - 08:22 PM

An MT driver (I think) who was also an ex matelot used to do 'The Story of Daniel' In the Beer Bar at RAF Rheindalen in 1961 . He also had 'Jack's Pilgrimage From Smoke to Chatham' which had a lot of Bryn Pugh's story in the middle . Oh for a time machine to go back with a mini recorder to get the whole of BOTH recitations .


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