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Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...

DigiTrad:
DECK OF CARDS
JIM
RINDERCELLA
STORY OF PETEY, THE SNAKE
THE PEE LITTLE THRIGS


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rmd 12 Nov 99 - 04:53 PM
Metchosin 12 Nov 99 - 04:57 PM
Liz the Squeak 12 Nov 99 - 05:19 PM
fox4zero 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM
paddymac 12 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM
Melbert 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM
Liz the Squeak 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM
catspaw49 12 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM
--seed 12 Nov 99 - 06:38 PM
Micca 12 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM
ROD 12 Nov 99 - 07:11 PM
Micca 12 Nov 99 - 08:32 PM
Midchuck 12 Nov 99 - 10:20 PM
Murray on Saltspring 13 Nov 99 - 02:20 AM
fox4zero 13 Nov 99 - 09:03 AM
fox4zero 13 Nov 99 - 09:11 AM
wildlone 13 Nov 99 - 12:36 PM
richard 13 Nov 99 - 01:01 PM
_gargoyle 13 Nov 99 - 02:39 PM
amos@san.rr.com 14 Nov 99 - 12:36 AM
Troll 01 Sep 01 - 09:23 AM
Jon Freeman 01 Sep 01 - 09:49 AM
John MacKenzie 01 Sep 01 - 01:00 PM
Mountain Dog 01 Sep 01 - 02:15 PM
Snuffy 02 Sep 01 - 07:38 PM
Jon Bartlett 16 Mar 02 - 09:12 PM
Morticia 17 Mar 02 - 08:34 AM
lady penelope 17 Mar 02 - 08:37 AM
Nigel Parsons 17 Mar 02 - 10:57 AM
Sonnet 17 Mar 02 - 11:05 AM
Midchuck 17 Mar 02 - 01:40 PM
Catherine Jayne 17 Mar 02 - 04:01 PM
pavane 17 Mar 02 - 05:46 PM
Dave Bryant 18 Mar 02 - 10:34 AM
GUEST,JohnB 18 Mar 02 - 12:27 PM
Jim Dixon 21 Aug 02 - 01:50 PM
GUEST,weaverdun 21 Aug 02 - 03:18 PM
pavane 16 Nov 02 - 07:27 PM
GUEST 30 Nov 04 - 11:45 PM
Lighter 30 Nov 04 - 11:58 PM
LadyJean 01 Dec 04 - 12:33 AM
EBarnacle 01 Dec 04 - 01:04 AM
Peace 01 Dec 04 - 01:09 AM
GUEST,whrj@aol.com 19 Sep 05 - 08:24 AM
GUEST,Joe_F 19 Sep 05 - 11:00 AM
Pseudolus 19 Sep 05 - 11:51 AM
dick greenhaus 20 Sep 05 - 10:29 AM
Charmion 20 Sep 05 - 03:11 PM
Rapparee 21 Sep 05 - 09:00 AM
GUEST,ALLAN S 21 Sep 05 - 06:39 PM
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Subject: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: rmd
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:53 PM

"Balls!" cried the Queen, If I had two, I'd be King"

Anyone knowing from where this comes, please let me know at: rdelre@yahoo.com


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Metchosin
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:57 PM

"Fawk the Queen!" cried the King, and fifty thousand men were trampled in the onslaught, for in those days the Kings word was law. Sorry don't know where it comes from but do know a few of the lines.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:19 PM

'Oh Shit!' said the King, and a thousand arseholes strained to comply.

'Stop' shouted Daniel, and a thousand turds were nipped in the bud....

Something on the lines of that do you mean???

Micca knows this.... but then he would...

LTS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

These are lines from the great epic poem: T'was the night of the king's castration And the royal ball was coming off.

Balls said the queen, if I had t(w)o I'd be king. The king laughed because he had to, The queen cried because she wanted t(w)o

Where is the Queen, said the king. She's in bed with laryngitis. I'll kill that Greek bastard .

There are many other stanzas which are rather funny but too scatologic for me to repeat in public with- out preparation with Jack Daniels. I still remember all the verses even though I learned them 50 years ago

From PARISH with memories of an insufficiently squandered youth.

college 50 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: paddymac
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM

It's bee a long time since i've heard this song, and i can't remember enough of it to write. It really should go into the data base as a folk classic. Parish, if you can enter it, it would surely be welcomed and received as the grat classic that it is. Please!!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Melbert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM

Paddymac - is that a typo for "great" or "grate"?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:21 PM

Yes, please do, Micca won't tell me all of it until I'm his age, but I don't think even Methusala lasted that long....

LTS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM

And Micca I assume is equally dull is he Squeaky? I mean like the only thing the bible says about him is that he "lived 969 years, and he died." Boring focker, huh?

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: --seed
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:38 PM

And, of course, the great verse from "It Ain't Necessarily So" from "Porgy and Bess":

Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
But who calls that livin' when no gal will give in,
To no guy who's nine hundred years?

And PARISH, I love the line "an insufficiently squandered youth."

--seed


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM

'ere, Iv'e got 4 "O"levels and a budgerigar, I KNOW when I'm being got at. Is this the great recitation that commences" Long long ago when Ahab was king and the kings word was law there lived a man named Daniel-----" or are we thinking of a song.This is one of those I rmember much better when drunk


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: ROD
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 07:11 PM

Here is everything I had on this. Surely, some of you will remember it differently and perhaps together we can come up with the whole thing. It's called either:

"T'was the Knight of the King's Castration" or perhaps "The Death of the 69,000"

Counts, no accounts and discounts were flinging camel shit at each other, for in those days bullshit was unknown.

"Balls" said the Queen, "if I had two I'd be King."

The King laughed, not because he had to, but because he had two.

Up strode David on his white stud horse; up strode the King on his diamond studded jock strap.

"Where's the Princess?" asked David. "She's in bed with Diphtheria" said the King. "What! Is that Greek son-of-a-bitch here again?" For his insolence, David was thrown into the lions' den.

Up strode the mangy beast; up strode David and grabbed the lion by his left nut. "Ouch" said the lion. "That tickles." "What tickles?" asked David. "Testicles" said the mangy beast. So they chalked one up for the lion.

For his bravery, David was asked to come forth, but he slipped on a camel turd and came fifth. Shit flew at Random, but Random ducked and Shit hit the King in the face. "Shit!" said the King and the whole nation squatted and groaned.

Again David asked "Where's the Princess?" "Fuck the Princess" roared the King, and 69,000 royal subjects were trampled in the mad rush, for in those days the Kings' word was law. ....Kipling?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:32 PM

Once I typed out what I remember I feel it is a bit too unadornedly filthy for just putting up on this forum so If you want the words I have drop me a private note and I will send them.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Midchuck
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:20 PM

"For his bravery, David was asked to come forth, but he slipped on a camel turd and came fifth. Shit flew at Random, but Random ducked and Shit hit the King in the face. "Shit!" said the King and the whole nation squatted and groaned."

Zelazny's Amber books...The prince who became the new king at the end of the first series...Could Zelazny have...nawwhh...It couldn't be....


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Murray on Saltspring
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:20 AM

Bravo! Rod's bit is close to the way I seem to remember it from fifty years ago, when I was entertained for what must have been a quarter of an hour by a schoolmate on a train. It must be fairly long, therefore--so I'm calling Rod's bit a bit. Micca, I'm a folklorist by calling and hobby, and I'd dearly love to see your version of this (for it IS folklore, and should be recorded). So send me an e-mail if you will [murray@saltspring.com] and I'll be very grateful. Your version will join Rod's (and others) in the archive of our B.C.Folklore Society.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:03 AM


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: fox4zero
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:11 AM

I difffer only in the type of excrement that Daniel stepped in.

The king ordered Daniel to come fo(u)rth from the lion's den, but Daniel slipped on some LION shit and came in fifth, paying two-twenty

Regards to all PARISH


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: wildlone
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 12:36 PM

I have a copy I can send as an email
contact me thru personal messages with email address I will send it back.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: richard
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:01 PM

Micca and wildlone; I would love to have a copy but annot seem to log on to mebership pages for your e-mails. I'm at rtwright@grassrootsgroup.com

There is another classic like this that I have looked for in the past you you gentlemen may have heard. I heard it around a campfire on the Tatshenshini River about 10 years ago, 7 nights out, in the dark of a Yukon northern sky, after a bottle of red wine and some Robert Service poems. It was a version of the Shooting of Dan McGrew that ends:

"And there on the floor with his arse**** tore, Lay Dangerous Dan McGrew.

Likely too obscene to post here but it could be sent to me if anyone has collected it.

Thanks Richard

Pardon the ****, but's that another thread.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: _gargoyle
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:39 PM

Too obscene - Check the DT lyric search (first page upperlefthand side) - It'll fit right in here - (tried "meningitis" to help cheerup the kindly and conscientious Mr. Seed....)

Along the same line was, "Verily, verily the Lord said unto Moses, come forth, but Moses came fifth, forwhich the Children of Israel threw camel turds at him, for in those days BS was not known." This is an old classic that goes for several minutes....not music but verse.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: amos@san.rr.com
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 12:36 AM

And the King cried, "Give me land!". so the Queen kicked him in the nuts and replied, "How's that for a couple of acres?".


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Troll
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 09:23 AM

"Balls!", cried the Queen. "If I had two, I'd be King!"
The Prince said," I've got two and I'm not King."
The King just laughed. Not because he wanted to, but because he had two.

troll


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 09:49 AM

Several versions here.

Jon


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 01:00 PM

And Daniel was cast out into the desert for forty days and forty nights. There he came upon a mis-shapen maiden drawing water from a well. Daniel I am with child by thee, what steps art thou going to take?. F***ing great big ones said Daniel, and disappeared back into the desert.

There's more but I can't remember it all.

Jock


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 02:15 PM

(Brief aside to Midchuck) - Isn't it in one of Zelazny's Amber books where he relates that, at a critical moment in the narrative, "the fit hit the Shan"?


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Subject: Add:'Twas a dark night
From: Snuffy
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 07:38 PM

Here's a recitation I learned in the 60's which seems to meet the Daniel one tangentially at several points, but is nevertheless quite different in origin:

'Twas a dark night
A stormy night
A night of shit.
The ship was tossing on the ocean
And likewise the crew in their bunks.
But the bosun (cunning fucker)
Took the ship's only longboat
And rowed to the nearest island
Where they were holding the Feast of the Festering Foreskin
Into the ring jumped the King
Whosoever shall bring forth the longest penis
Shall have tea with my daughter
Not Typhoo Tea
Not Mazawattee Tea
But C-U-N-T
Into the ring jumped the Witch Doctor
And brought forth twelve and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Two occasional tables
Three mahagonay armchairs
Four packets of Woodbines
(The only brand sold on the island)
And a bar of soap to keep the party clean
But the bosun (cunning fucker)
Brought forth fourteen and three quarter inches of penis
On which he proceeded to balance
Four occasional tables
Five mahagonay armchairs
Six packets of Woodbines
(The only brand sold on the island)
And a bar of soap to keep the party clean
"Shit" said the King
And forty thousand loyal arseholes heaved and strained with all their majestic might
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)
"Stop" said the Queen
And forty thousand long, black, coiled, spirally turds hung in mid-suspension
(For it was death to disobey a royal command)
"Fuck Me" said the Princess
And sixty thousand chickens and one mangy dog were killed in the rush
And the bosun (cunning fucker)
Lay with her for forty days and forty nights
And on the fortieth day she came to him and said
"I bear thee a son
What steps shalt thou take?"
"Bloody great big ones across the desert"
And he came unto the valley of the shadow of death
And he said "Let there be light"
And there was light
And you could see for fucking miles
And he fell among thieves
But these were not ordinary thieves
For unlike ordinary thieves
The ragged him
Shagged him
Fucked him
De-bagged him
And sent him away with a sore arse
In the street of a thousand arseholes
At the sign of the Swinging Tit
Lived a beautiful Chinese maiden
By the name of Hu Flung Shit

Here my memory fails, but there was a lot more

Wassail! V


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 09:12 PM

Let me add a plea to that of my old mate Murray of Saltspring: there should be room for folk recitations in the Mudcat somewhere - and this "Saga of Daniel" as I've always heard it, should have pride of place. Dick?


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Morticia
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 08:34 AM

Is this the one which ends each verse with "Drinks on the KIng,laughs on Daniel" or variations thereof....?If it is, I'm certain my brother knows pretty much all of it...


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: lady penelope
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 08:37 AM

I'm with you Mr Bartlett. there are many of these monlogues ( none of which any one will tell me all of! Including my dad and Micca ) and they should be set down for posterity.

Then maybe I could learn them!

The least ribald one I know of, my dad reckons he can't remember past a certain point due to bad memory. I'm positive it's because he won't tell me the naughty bits!

TTFN M'Lady P.

"They're knocking down our pub - BOOOO
'Cos they're gonna build a new one - HURRAY
It'll only have one bar - BOOOOO
5 miles long - HURRAY
It'll only have one barmaid - BOOOO
For every customer - HURRAY
It's not gonna sell beer - BOOOO
It's gonna give it away - HURRAY...................."


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 10:57 AM

Lady P: That one used to get regular airings at Scout campfires (goodness knows why)
And goes on much longer.
Ignoring the "Booo" and "Hurrayyy" after alternate lines (I'm saving my cut and paste for line breaks until I can find a suitable Function Key)

There's a house on the hill.
A public house

They don't sell beer,
They give it away.

They don't have glasses,
They use buckets instead

There's holes in the buckets,
To drink out of

There's only one bar,
Five miles long.

There's only one barmaid,
One each that is

The barmaids wear black stockings.
Thats all.

There's a lot more to this story,
But I'm not going to tell you.

I might have missed some as well, but not for want of trying. I last heard this about 20 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Sonnet
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 11:05 AM

The original quote reminds me of a Barnsley (only place I've heard it) saying, when you doubt the credibility of something you're being told. "If my Granny had got bo****ks, she'd be my Grandad."

JMcS


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Midchuck
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 01:40 PM

The "boo" and "yayyy" sequence as I heard it also had:

"There will be no f***ing on the dance floor!" (Booo!) "...and no dancing on the f***ing floor!" (Yayyy!)

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 04:01 PM

what would the queen do with the balls if she had them??? Juggle them???!!!! hehehehe!!!!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 05:46 PM

I remember it as 'They're tearing down the Rose & Crown' boo etc. 'They are building a bigger & better pub'

but otehrwise pretty much as the other versions. I agree that there should be a section on prose.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Mar 02 - 10:34 AM

Snuffy, I've heard a version of your "Dark and Stormy night"

Then the ship hit a rock.
All the boats were swept away.
We're all going to drown said the Captain,
We're all going to drown said the Mate,
We're all going to drown said the Crew,
But the Bosun - the cunning old bastard that he was, Said "Let's row ashore in the latrine buckets". So we did - half full !

After the witch doctor does his balancing feat, there's the chorus bit again:

"That can't be beat said the Captain",
"That can't be beat said the Mate",
"That can't be beat said the Crew",
But the Bosun - the filthy old bastard that he was,
Strode into the ring and titivating an unmentionable
part of his anatomy between the thumb and forefinger
of his right hand caused that member to expand to an
unprecedented size, and there upon he balanced
One Witch Doctor .... etc.

I'm looking for another naval recitation which is called the CPO's sermon and starts:

There was a young matelot who was making his way to the fair city of Pompey
Via Gosport and the ferry,
When from an upstairs window a young maiden called out,
"Sailor whither goest thou ?"


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,JohnB
Date: 18 Mar 02 - 12:27 PM

One day Daniel and the King were walking in the palace grounds, discuusing the matter of prostitution. Talking about prostitutes said Daniel, how's the Queen. At this the King was not amused and sent Daniel to the Prison for a long time. Plus all the other bits about, Tea and the Dessert for 40 days and nights and the King picked up a turd and cast it 40 paces hence, shot cried Daniel, shit cried the King, stop cried the King and 40,00 turds were whipped beneath the bushes, except for one poor sad with diarreah who shit himself. Fuck the queen and 40,000 were killed in the rush. Daniel was upon by bandits, not normal bandits but bum bandits who ragged him and shaged him and left him with his arse tingling and his balls in his pockets. JohnB


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE NIGHT OF THE KING'S CASTRATION
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 01:50 PM

I found this quote at http://www.cuis.edu/ftp/stumpers-l/STUMPERS-L.1996-03
    G. Legman printed an uncredited text in "Bawdy Monologues and Rhymed Recitations," *Southern Folklore Quarterly* 40 (1976), pp. 70-71. That text was collected by a former student of mine at UCLA, Dean Burson, in 1959. To my knowledge, it remains the fullest printed text.

    Ed Cray

    cray@mizar.usc.edu
Here is the most complete version I can find, from http://ingeb.org/Lieder/thenight.html
    THE NIGHT OF THE KING'S CASTRATION

    "This deluxe conflation, of the 100 year-old tale, by J. Mark Sugars & Frank."

    'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bullshit was as yet unknown.

    A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

    At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking glass in the moonlight.

    Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!" and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    "Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

    The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

    On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" David replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

    On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

    Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

    Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

    Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

    This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

    Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

    When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!" not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls? If I had two, I could be King!"

    Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

    Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

    And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

    Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,weaverdun
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 03:18 PM

Well, I am floored by all this charming verse.

There was a french phrase which I belive one said to avoid actually saying "balls". Si ma tante en avait, elle sera mon oncle. Roughly - ifmy aunt had them, she'd be my uncle.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: pavane
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 07:27 PM

I previously posted a link to Llewtrah's bawdy ballad site, which contains several versions of this monologue, mostly shorter but which do contain some other elements.

I myself remember a fourth day, when Daniel was asked how is it?
It aches said Daniel
What aches said the Queen (or whoever it was in that version)
Boll-aches said Daniel

Does anyone have any history? I remember it from school in the 1950's, but it must quite old, judging from the variations of the text.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 11:45 PM

Somewhere TV or movies)I saw Elizibeth Taylor recite the following:
   Balls cried the Queen
   If I had two I'd be King
   If I had five I'd be a pin ball machine!


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Lighter
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 11:58 PM

An older friend of mine once quoted "'Balls,' said the Queen. 'If I had 'em, I'd be King" to me in the '60s. That was all he could remember of a long "story" he'd heard on the U.S. East Coast in the late 1930s.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 12:33 AM

I was told that "The Night of the King's Castration" was composed by the "ladies" of the University of Chicago law school, in response to a challenge by the men that they couldn't come up with anything really obscene.
My sister attended the University of Chicago, though she went to law school at Illinois Institute of Technology. But she doesn't know if the immortal words came from the U of C.
Sophonisba P. Breckenridge, one of the first women on the faculty of the University of Chicago said, "It's what's between a person's ears that counts, not what's between her legs." And that I'm sure of.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: EBarnacle
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 01:04 AM

There is an old Yiddish saying: If my grandmother had had the balls, she would be my grandfather.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Peace
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 01:09 AM

The one I remember is

Balls! said the Queen. If I had 'em I'd be King. And the King laughed, not because he wanted t(w)o but because he had t(w)oo.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,whrj@aol.com
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 08:24 AM

One of the passages that I remember say "Shit" said the king and in the coleseum there was a great movement as in those days the kings word was law.

All the counts and no accounts were sitting aroung slinging camel shit because in those days bull shit was unheard of.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 11:00 AM

You don't have to be Jewish: In the Methodist milieu of some of my ancestors, the saying was, "Yes, and if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle". Likewise the Russians respond to iffy statements with a rhyme that translates to "If it weren't for if & but, I'd have been a general a long time ago".

*

The alternating choruses of yay & boo also occur in "Parties Make the World Go Round", e.g.

There will be no swimming in the pool / We are using it to store the beer

Positively no fornication on the dance floor / And no dancing on the fornication floor

It is forbidden to touch the barmaids' delicate dresses / They are made of cellophane

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: Of all the adornments of power, the most impressive is restraint. :||


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Pseudolus
Date: 19 Sep 05 - 11:51 AM

Try going here

Frank


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 05 - 10:29 AM

The phrase I've heard was "If my aunt had two wheels, she'd be a pushcart" (assuming of course, some preknowledge of the original)


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Charmion
Date: 20 Sep 05 - 03:11 PM

"If my aunt had wheels, she'd be a bicycle" is the version I learned from my dear old history professor.

Such recitations are known as "sod's operas" in the Royal Navy. My favourite is 'Awkins' 'Alo, the one about the angel (ex-able seaman) who gets tired of harping and ends up on Creator's Report, where he is sentenced to three days Hell:

"'Ere to 'ere, fiery chariots wheel-greasing.
'Ere to 'ere, Pearly Gates rail polishing.
Remainder: 'Arpin."
So I 'arps from noon to stand-easy, and I 'arps from stand-easy to dinner.

Et cetera.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 09:00 AM

I heard the "'Balls!' said the Queen" phrase at Ft. Riley, Kansas in the Fall of 1963.


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Subject: RE: Balls cried the Queen, if I had two...
From: GUEST,ALLAN S
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 06:39 PM

IS THAT THE JON/JOHN BARTLETT WHO WAS IN THE U-CONN OUTING CLUB IN THE 1950'S


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