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BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Donuel 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM
Donuel 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM
Mr Red 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM
RobbieWilson 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM
frogprince 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM
Mrrzy 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM
Doug Chadwick 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM
Jim Carroll 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM
Mr Red 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM
Donuel 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM
Peter the Squeezer 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM
Joe_F 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM
Joe_F 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM
Donuel 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM
Donuel 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM
Donuel 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM
Mrrzy 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM
Mr Red 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM
Donuel 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM
Mrrzy 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM

In defeat Nixon made his famous speech
"You're not going to have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore"
In defeat Trump may indeed say
"You're going to have Donald Trump to stick around forevermore"
"The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of Trump."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM

Mr. Woody Allen thank you so much for seeing me, it is an honor.

Well I heard your unusual screenplay has potential.

Honestly that's a first, When Steven Spielberg heard it was about gassing people in large chambers he wouldn't see me and when Quenton Tarantino heard it was about gassing Nazis but they became nice he canceled and when Ridley Scott was told the emergent Nazis did not eat people he never called back.

What is it that the Nazis do exactly.

After they are gassed with Oxytocin they marry Asians, blacks and minorities...by the way it is a Jew who gasses the Nazis.

Your movie is greenlighted!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM

Bee-dubya-ell this ones for you! What did Delaware boys?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM

A knock on the door and standing there are two pooches, one with a briefcase under his arm. The other speaks:




"I've come to talk to you about Dog"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM

An old Scottish one; Did you hear about the trumpeter who found a weed in his garden?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM

Robbie Wilson, am I reading that wrong? A trumpet isn't a weed instrument.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM

My camping thing theme's was $mas, and I learned this joke:

So these three drunk guys are driving home after a late, late Christmas Eve, and they crash and wind up at the pearly gates with an impatient Peter who just wants to get back to the party, but is feeling expansive. Show me one Christmas thing and you're in, he says. So the first guy takes a lighter out, lights it, and exclaims Christmas lights! and is waved in. The second guy takes out his car keys, shakes them and cries, Christmas bells! and gets waved in. The third guy whips out a pair of panties and waves them. What are those? asks Peter.

Oh, these are Carol's!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM

Saw a piece of graffiti painted in large letters on the back of an English van in Galway yesterday
"A hard-on does not count as personal growth"
Left me smiling all day
Jim Caaarroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM

On that theme -
What is the difference between light and hard?

Well you can go to sleep with the light on.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM

My favourite bit of van graffiti was scrawled in tne dirt on the back of a van in Bristol "I wish my wife was this dirty." As we were stuck in a traffic jam I was able to get a photo!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM

Two shamelessly nicked from Tim Vine's Radio 4 show this evening.

Priscilla, having fished Elvis out of the swimming pool for the tenth time, asks him, "Elvis, why do I have to keep rescuing you from the pool?"

He replies, "I can't help falling in, love..."




"I went to the fairground today and went on a ride. While I was on there, half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM

I have a half twin in Puerto Rico. He is addicted to placebos. If he could quit it really wouldn't matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM

Not so much van graffiti, but a sign spotted on a builders lorry some years ago -

Singh Brothers - Builders
Fed up with the cowboys - try the Indians


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM

Another witty bit of van graffiti, scrawled on an extremely dirty white van: "Also available in white."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM

It may just be the placebo talking, but I don't feel any effect at all.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM

On a questionnaire: Sex (M/F)?
Reply: I prefer to F, but mostly have to M.

On another questionnaire: Use of alcoholic beverages: (1) never, (2) occasionally, (3) frequently, (4) to excess.
Reply: (2) and (4).


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM

sign in Maryland yard:

THE SUN IS A HOAX
    at night


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM

Donald Trump 2   - NFL 7


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM

Russia 45   - Trump 0


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM

Which reindeer scares dinosaurs?







... guess first ...






Comet!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM

As I was hurrying to a Irish session a lass was sweeping the carpark of a shop.
Says I (one minute later, unfortunately)

"Don't sweep it under the car, pet"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM

image: Trump with obvious broken and bleeding nose
caption: Welcome to the NFL!

btw
(some of us remember trump funding the now defunct USFL)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM

True story
When I finished my apprenticeship as an electrician I got a job with Liverpool Housing Department doing maintenance
In the office a framed letter from a lady customer hung on the wall reading, "Please send man - have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM

"If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot...
And it's o, dear me, how will it be if I die an old maid in the garret?"


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Mudcat time: 25 September 12:51 PM EDT

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