Help: friend with cancer

Subject: friend with cancer
From: GUEST,Assumed
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 06:08 AM

My friend that I used to work with has got spinal cancer and she is coming home from the hospital on thursday. She cannot see too well and her hearing is going. I want to see her but don't know what to say. We brits tend to send cards saying get well soon, this is inappropriate as she may have three weeks to a couple of months left to live. I just feel a little shocked and worried that I make her and her family feel worse.
I feel I may be overstepping the bounds here and have posted with the obvious above - sorry about that.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From:
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 06:13 AM

No, I don't think you have over stepped. You haven't identified your friend.

My suggestion is to go and see your friend. Give her your best. You have to be able to talk to your friend so that she will realize you care for her and whether you can cope is something you can only do when you see her.

It is a major shock to you, as it is to all of us when we hear of a friend or relative who has it.

Best wishes to you and your friend.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 06:38 AM

Yes, definitely you should go and see your friend. That is far better than keeping away. Cancer is a terrifying thing, especially when its terminal. There is nothing you can adequately say to express how you'll be feeling - I'd think its probably better to try to be normal than to tread on eggshells & pre-examine every word you say. My husband Mark visited our neighbour in his last weeks in a hospice (he had very sudden onset & was dead within weeks of diagnosis). I was told that John appreciated the visit, as it kept him in touch with local news. I am sure it is much harder when you are close to the person though. Mark also had cancer (now cured) a while ago, and he was very upfront about the whole thing & made it easy for people to talk about it with him, and hence to talk about anything and everything as per normal. So your friend may well be more 'together' than could be expected. I can't imagine that your visit can make anyone feel worse - but it will surely be a positive thing, and its worth the effort if it can help even a very little bit. It will take courage to go, but I'm sure you'll both be glad you did. My best wishes go to both of you.

Kris

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 07:46 AM

Both of my parents died of cancer when I was in my teens and it was always hard to watch their friends who did not know what to say. I think it was harder on them then on my Mom or Dad. Frankly, they just enjoyed the company as they always had.....and in that is the key.

My best friend Denny died two years ago at 57. We treated each other as we always had from the time he was diagnosed through the following three years until, literally, the day he died. We discussed everything about his problems and everything else to boot! We had always done that......why change now? Its easier than you think. It became so natural to treat the cancer and the end result we both knew was coming that, when he asked me to speak at the funeral, we even joked about it.

Just be honest with yourself and with your friend. You can't change what is. enjoy the same things you had known and treat each day and visit as you always had. Relax. You'll learn a lot about yourself in the process and your friend will appreciate you for what you are....a friend.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Jeri
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 09:41 AM

We all seem to want to be able to say something that will help. Usually we can't. I think the primary way we can help is to listen, and it really IS a help to those who need someone to talk to. I think sometimes those who are dying must feel isolated, because people feel uncomfortable around them, and may avoid them or the subject of dying. You can't make her better, but you can do a lot to help her feel less alone.

Be honest with her and yourself. A friendship card (instead of a 'get well' card) wouldn't be a bad idea. You're worried about saying the wrong thing, but I think if you're honest, and let your friend guide the direction of your conversation, you'll be fine. I also think once you get past the first minute or two of seeing her again, things will fall into place. Just start with "Hello," and take it from there.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 10:14 AM

What 'Spaw said.

We are ALL going to die. Every damn one of us. We shut out that awareness most of the time, otherwise everything would seem sort of futile. A person with a terminal illness just has a harder time shutting the knowledge out. That's the only difference, except for present pain and limitation of ability to do things.

Peter.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Pinetop Slim
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 10:33 AM

Does your friend like to play cards, chess, checkers, whatever? A game can get you around the awkwardness.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 10:35 AM

I agree about your going to visit her, even if just to sit with her and listen to the silence, just be there with her. If it is too difficult for you to express your feelings to her, in person, consider writing her a letter telling her of how much she means to you and what she has brought into your life as a friend. Tell her how badly you feel about the cancer and her impending death. Be honest and let your caring and love for her show through your words. You could leave the letter when you go to visit, for her to read later.

Do you share music? Take along an instrument or some CD's or tapes and ask if she'd like to listen to them with you. Through a shared experience like that you may find less of a need for words and feel less awkward.

Wishing you and your friend the best.

kat

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: mousethief
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 10:55 AM

Definitely go. I stayed away from the bedside of a friend who lay dying of cancer -- this was 20+ years ago -- and have kicked myself ever since.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 11:31 AM

Go. Say hello. Sit with her. Hold her hand. Listen. Read her a poem. Sing her a song. Hold her hand. Take her a casserole. Water her plants. Hold her hand. Read her the paper. Listen. Sit with her. Listen to her truth. Tell her your truth. Be with her. Cry with her. Be honest with her. Hold her hand, listen. Send love.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 11:57 AM

I sat with a good friend who was slipping into a coma. We talked about her new grandaughter, her husband, her job - all with the comfort that there were friends left to help them when she was gone. Sometimes she smiled. Sometimes she simply gripped my hand to tell me she was still here. Touching was important. Nurses have to be efficient and impersonal - not a criticism, a fact. Some of her family had a problem/fear of death and didn't touch her. Stroking her hair and face, holding her hand, etc. were reassuring to her. And yes we shared a few tears too. Go see your friend. Support her and her family. Your tears will be a comfort to them.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Ebbie
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 01:07 PM

Go. The terminally ill can't get away from the situation- they are faced with it every waking minute. The least we can do is to be there- they know why we're there.

About two months before my beloved brother died last year, I wrote a song for him I called Goodbye, Brother. I wanted him to know before he left how much I valued him and how much I looked forward to seeing him again. I couldn't sing it for him, of course; I gave him the lyrics and left the room. Afterward we laughed and cried together.

Dying of cancer has its good points. If a loved one died from being hit by a truck, I think it would be much harder to come to terms with it.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Roger in Sheffield
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 02:36 PM

My Father died of Lung Cancer, my mother of Breast Cancer. To be there at the end was difficult and my brothers could not handle it and stayed away. From my limited experience the illness and the drugs made both my parents distant and childlike at the end. They were always pleased to see relatives and were happy to just have friends around while they slipped in and out of sleep. The grief we feel as onlookers unable to help is the barrier to overcome to give dying friends and relatives what they need - some company in the last difficult moments - so please go and be the best friend you can. My own preparation was always to have a damn good cry first before a visit to try and get it out of the system so I could try and concentrate on their needs not mine
Just read all the above and agree with them all
Can you contact the family somehow and explain your feelings? I would guess they feel the same awkwardness and would welcome the support
Be Strong

Roger

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 02:44 PM

My only advice - don't pretend she isn't dying. SAY GOODBYE. You WILL be glad you did, later; and she MIGHT be glad you did, now. But (please don't be offended) you're the one who's going to have to live with the loss of her later, and having said Goodbye will help with that.

Meanwhile, I will think positive thoughts in her -and your- general direction.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 02:48 PM

When you go to see her, when you walk into the room where she is, JUST before the feeling or thought that is about your own comfort level, there will be an instinctive feeling or thought of what would be just right in that moment. It will be your unique knowledge of her guided by your love for her, beyond your own worries or fears, and I believe these moiments are also guided by God. So when that feeling or thought comes, no matter how many inner voices seem to tell you to do othersise, DO THAT THING. ollow what your heart asks you o do in that moment. And then from there just do what seems best.

Also remember that sometimes we assume that a situation is calling for us to give something. Maybe sometimes we forget that in some moments, it is the other person who needs to give something to us. So do not be surprised if you receive something important.

If you are a member here and want to PM me, I would be glad to say more. But whatever you decide to do, DO IT.

~S~

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Dita
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 04:49 PM

Often the people nearest to the sufferer are at a total loss. "What's the point of anything." My partener's mother was found to have cancer earlier this year. At that point, life was at an end for all of their family. As someone not with as much emotional baggage,(much as I loved her and was devistated, but not to the same numbing degree), I was able to be strong for them through this phase. Life goes on, this week they are planing to redecorate their home. Time heals. Be strong. For your friend and for those who love her. They have you. You've got Mudcat.
love(never more heartfelt), john.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Jimmy C
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 11:17 PM

Go and be with her, although her sight and hearing may not be the best she will know you're there and will appreciate it. I played in a quartet for a good number of years, within a space of 4 years, 3 of the members were diagnosed with cancer, The bass player, the guitar player and the banjo player. The bass player accepted it and was resigned to the truth that he did not long to go, the guitar player went into denial and refused to see anybody, they passed away within 2 weeks of each other. It was a very sad and traumatic time for all famiy and friends. I am glad I was able to visit and talk with the bass player, he was very calm and peaceful and enjoyed reminiscing about the adventures we had on the road with the group. all the clubs we played in, the mistakes we made on stage etc., I believe it did him good and it did'nt hurt me either., I don't regret the visits for one moment. I do regret not having the opportunity to say one last farewell to the guitar player but we had to respect his wishes. As for the 3rd member( the banjo player) I am doing fine and living life to the fullest, if the cancer ever resurfaces I really hope to have some family and friends around for a little talk, rehash the good and the bad times, memories. Please go to her no matter how difficult it may be for you know, you will rue it if you don't. Please go.

God Bless

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Gypsy
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 01:23 AM

Go and see your friend. Take something wonderful to eat. The last thing a friend of mine ate was some chocolate dipped strawberries i made for him. His wife said it was the first thing he ate in days, and the last solid food of his life. Take "instant" food to the family. Mow thier lawn. Walk the dog. Be there. Cancer is NOT contagious. A good friend of mine is hideously isolated, cuz most people are afraid to even call her. Don't think of how you might feel, you can put that off until later. Concentrate on the friend, and her family.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: BigDaddy
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 01:42 AM

Go with the knowledge that each of the kind and loving people who responded here are sending a little part of themselves with you when you visit.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 03:59 AM

Many thanks for your heartfelt advise, I am going to see Jean at the weekend and am taking a recitation that I wrote about the time we worked together, a letter that I will leave with her and lots of love. Thank you all again, I can't explain how grateful I am for your replies to this thread. I am all choked up
love Patrish x

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Bernard
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 04:15 AM

I, too, have a friend who has just learned she has cancer. She lost her husband to cancer only four years ago.

She is amazingly upbeat about the whole thing, and is determined to fight it.

Here is some advice given to me by a friend who works in a Cancer Research institute:

She wrote: Don't worry too much about (friend) taking her news "too well". She was prepared for it as a possibility and so the diagnosis was neither shock nor surprise. She actually has the best possible attitude to her diagnosis, and it is going to help her tremendously in the long run. You would be surprised at just how up-beat and cheerful people's attitudes here are - a positive frame of mind makes all the difference. (Those who give in to despair actually have lower life expectancy rates.) It is actually other people who take the most negative of views. I met an old work colleague on the bus a few months ago and when she found out where I worked she said that she always felt depressed every time she passed the place, and commented that it must be an awful place to work. This colleague is a brilliant example of what I am saying. The people who (mainly) are most negative about cancer are the ones who don't have it! Stifling sympathy is the last thing she needs right now and is not the best means of support. The best thing her friends can do for her is to carry on pretty much as normal. If she needs help she knows where it is and will ask for it.

Cancer changes one's perspective on life and makes one realise just what is and what is not important. People with cancer face life positively and make the most of what they have. Don't worry about her attitude too much - she's doing fine! (end)

Hope this is of some use.

Best wishes!

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: john c
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 05:51 PM

Its not often a thread gets through like this one. Someone very close to me (okay, we were married for 20 years)has just undergone some pretty drastic surgery for cancer and has suddenly found herself with a HUGE fight on her hands. I suppose my role is just to BE there - helping where I can, listening,and trying to understand what she´s going through. And, at the same time, trying to find the fine balance between caring and not letting my own emotions get the overhand. When not Mudcatting, I work with handicapped adults and we have a phrase to keep our heads clear when things get a bit heavy - "caring from a distance". I hope that doesnt sound too heartless. Its just sooooooo important to keep your own emotions in check when other (and more important) qualities are called for. And, in situations like these, they certainly are.
All the very best,
John

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: Morticia
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 06:14 PM

I've worked with the terminally ill for some time now.....I do it when I'm strong enough and take long breaks to do something else when I'm not....I agree with pretty much all that's been said and appreciate how hard it can be to just 'be with' rather than 'do to',nonetheless that's what my experience tells me is often appreciated the most.
If your friend is indeed as ill as you describe, it is likely she has made her peace, come to terms, whatever expression suits....it is also entirely possible that none of her family have.
Giving her an opportunity to talk honestly about her situation is probably the greatest and most valuable gift you can give her,it is possible that her family cannot do that for her,they may still be in the 'of course you'll get better mode'... natural, but frustrating for the person involved.
You can bring something very special to her but it takes strength.I'll be thinking of you and her....good luck.

Subject: RE: Help: friend with cancer
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Oct 00 - 07:17 PM

Jimmy C, thanks for sharing your story with us and here's to continuous good health for you.

John C, all the best for you and your SO(?). It is not heartless at all to take care of ourselves first, so that we can be stong and BE THERE for our loved ones when they need us. In fact, I think, you show a great deal of caring for her by being responsible and aware of how much your emotions may influence the situation. All the best to you both, too.

My mother survived cancer in the early 1970's when there wasn't near the knowledge or technology there is now. She was a tiny scrapper with that very important positive attitude. I don't think it can be stressed enough how much difference that can make.

kat