What has it in itss pocketsss?

Subject: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Trevor
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:06 AM

It occurred to me, when I was having a confrontation with my least favourite person at work, that I wished I had a ring that would make me invisible - but then I remembered that that would help the baddies to find me. Just musing on it (busy day obviously), I would have been better off with some kind of remote control zapper which could have turned her volume down, or even made her vanish altogether. What do you lot reckon would be a really useful device to be able to carry around in pocket, instrument case or bag?

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: English Jon
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:12 AM

I can think of a few cases where a bullshitometer would be handy!

EJ

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:12 AM

A time-stopper that would stop the rest of the world for a while, and allow you time to think, sing, snooze or whatever all by yourself in a quiet place. Mmmmmmm lovely. Where can I get one of those then?

Kristin

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:17 AM

I'll have two in puce, please.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:49 AM

Puce!

I guess I'd like a special remote control device that can shut off the country and western muzak they pipe very loudly into the stores around here.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Barbara
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 07:06 AM

1. A cell phone blocker that would prevent any cell phone within a couple hundred yards of me from working. Wouldn't driving down the freeway with one of these be a gas? And it's a must for that special evening in your favorite restaurant.
2. A pause button for the rest of the world while I try to remember the rest of the verse or the B part of the tune.
3. A capo for my voice, and how about throwing in a tuner, while you're at it.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 07:40 AM

Beam me up Scotty.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 07:47 AM

I think the pause button for the world would be my hands down favorite. I'd take subtitles too, so I could travel to other countries and understand what was being said.

And of course, the bullshitometer would be a very handy tool. I mean, we usually know when someone is full of shit, don't we? The problem really is in when they continue to protest that they are completely telling the truth. How nice would it be to pull out a little Trekkian sort of tri-corder and say, "Not according to this you're not. This says you have a current 99% BS-rating".

:::giggle!!::: ;D

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: kendall
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 07:50 AM

An anti hearing aid. This device would shut out ALL sound and I could live in blissful silence.

Does anyone besides me complain to stores and restaurants about their lousy taste in "music"? I will be damned if I will pay to be annoyed!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Trevor
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 07:51 AM

I've been climbing a few times when a skyhook would have come in useful.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: 8_Pints
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 08:01 AM

Obviously a noise eliminator would be useful that can not be programmed to block mobile phone rings, MacDonalds' Restuarant beepers and, er, phrases in speech such as "er", "like", "know what I mean?".

If it could also block out commercials from VT recorded programmes this might also be good!

Bob vG

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: John P
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 08:05 AM

An "undo" button would be nice.

How about a "delete" key for people who drive while using cell phones and for people who use jet skis in public?

Going with the computer thing, a few of the Photoshop filters and plug-ins would be fun and nostalgic from time to time.

John

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: LR Mole
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 08:56 AM

Devil take all jet skis unless used for deliveries or emergencies. Ditto snowmobiles. Snarling, nasty bits of Mordor.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 09:22 AM

I'd like something that would turn the clock back so I could go back and undo some of my idiot mistakes or do something I should have done.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: M.Ted
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 09:32 AM

I think a good old fashioned "reset" button for all of the people who are still running in electro-mechanical modes, and a "revert to preset parameters" for all the people running in digital mode--

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 09:36 AM

A time-stopper??? Has no one else ever seen the Twilight Zone episode about that (I think it was entitled "A Kind of a Stopwatch")? Some goofy guy got hold of one of those and managed to break it while time was stopped, so he was stuck forever in a "paused" world.

That's the problem with those magic charms: they cause more problems than they solve. Tolkien and Wagner were right: it's best, in the end, to just get rid of the ring!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Troll
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 09:46 AM

I agree with Kendall.

troll

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 10:14 AM

All good ideas!

I think I would like a Rudeness Eliminator. Can't stand rudeness in a man [or woman]. Won't tolerate it.

A forcefield would also be nice. I work in a cube (read: No Door) and people often just stop to chat, even if I have up my Do Not Disturb sign. (then I could use the Rudeness Eliminator too!)

Stephen King once wrote a short story about a magical computer that had a special Delete key.

My question is, is there any way to use a Jet Ski in private?!!?

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 10:41 AM

Lost and misplaced item/people radar. Usefull for locating your car keys when in a hurry, finding children and althshimers patients, and the sock that you lost in the wash. Nick

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: CharlieA
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 10:44 AM

I'd like something which would automaticly change windows on my comp screen from the internet too whatever i was supposed to be working on. For when my boss sneaks on silent feet up behind me! Cxxx

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 11:24 AM

Stop, Rewind, and Fast Forward and Mute buttons, for world, individual others, and (other than Mute, of course) for self. Turning signals and brake lights for humans, very helpful in crowds and hallways.

Life also needs an Undo button, definitely!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Jim Cheydi
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 11:36 AM

I'd like a holodeck please.

And a pony.

And some sweets.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 11:58 AM

Thanks folks! I'm going to print off this thread and send it instead of my usual letter to Santa Clause. I like 'em all, but I especially like M Ted's "reset button." Think of the possibilities!

How about a "tuner elf" (keeping with the Tolkien theme)? This would be a little gear-and-computer-chip gizmo for each guitar, banjo, autoharp, or whatever string. They sit where your tuning pegs sit now, and you touch one of them and say something like "E above middle C" and it automatically tunes that string to the correct pitch. It constantly monitors the frequency and adjusts to temperature changes, etc., whenever necessary to keep it in tune.

A transporter? Yeah. Holodeck? I could use one of those. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Wesley S
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 12:08 PM

John D McDonald wrote a book called "The Girl, the Gold Watch, and Everything" that was about a world stopping devise. But I think I'd like to have a button that could make me play like Norman Blake.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 12:08 PM

Since I was very young I wanted a button to push. As long as I held it down, the person would rise slowly and safely in the air away from me, up and up and up.... and when they were far enough away (depending on the situation that had prompted my reaching for the button), they'd hover there. I might still talk to them... and listen to them... but at a remove.

While they looked perfectly silly up there, all alone, feet waving in frustration.

~S~

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: kendall
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 12:11 PM

Kim C that is one of my favorite lines from Lonesome Dove.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 12:22 PM

a zapper that, when I'm overtaken by some boy racer doing 70 and endangering other peoples lives, I could use to seize his engine, blow his cylinder head gasket, drain his petrol tank and let all his tyres down......

vindictive moi?

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 12:37 PM

Yeah.... that's it... a Lonesome Dove holodeck... then you could have the holodeck AND the pony in one fell swoop! (heehee I wondered who would be the first to catch on to that, Kendall... my absolute fave, though, is We Don't Rent Pigs.)

In keeping with Susan's post about the float-away button, I think I'd like either an Ejection thing like they have in military planes, or a Trap Door. mwhahahahaha!

I like Nick's lost object radar. But what happens when you lose It? Because I probably would!

How about an Invisible switch?

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 02:33 PM

I'd kinda like a TV remote control with an alternate-universe channel-changer, not to jump from one universe to another and screw up the future for all of them, but just to view what's going on one or two protons away from us...

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: MAG
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 04:46 PM

Yeah, second Morticia and SharonA: I'd like to hop over to parallel universes and see how different choices worked out (or, hopefully, didn't.) The ol' "what if" game.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: 8_Pints
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 05:15 PM

Errata

delete "not"!

Thanx

Bob vG

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: mooman
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 05:49 PM

This is something you can try at home folks...!

In a previous job where I continually had to write reports with "suitable words" in them, I constructed a "bullshit generator" to make my life easier. All you need is

Materials

a sheet of A4 cardboard (letter or legal will do equally well for you US types!)

4 circular disks cut from similar cardboard

4 paper fasteners (the brass type with the two flexible legs that you can push through a hole and then pull the legs apart behind...I've forgotten what they're called)

approximately 36 (you can go higher if you want to be really creative, e.g. 48) of your favourite bullshit words. Ideally these should comprise 12 adverbs, 12 adjectives and 12 nouns

Assembling the bullshit generator

Write your 12 bullshit adverbs radially one one cardboard disk (i.e. from the centre to the edge), your 12 bullshit adjectives on another and your 12 bullshit nouns on the third.

Cut three slots in your big piece of cardboard, spaced evenly, such that you can view a bullshit word through each slot from one of the disks behind, and such that the edge of each disk protrudes a little behind the big piece of cardboard. The top slot should have the bullshit adverbs, the middle slot the bullshit adjectives and the lowest slot the bullshit nouns. Secure each disk in place with the brass thingy with the bendy legs.

Your bullshit generator is now ready for use.

Spin each disk at random so that a bullshit word appears in each little slot or "window". Copy out the bullshit phrases and use them in your management report.

You can use your own bullshit words which may of course vary with your geographical location, profession and language. Here are some typical and highly appreciated (by management) bullshit phrases my own bullshit generator generated:

strategically/targeted/reengineering
intrinsically/focused/timeframes
radically/harmonized/objectives
financially/concatenated/helicopter-view

and so on... I'm sure you can get the idea.

I have personally found this device extremely valuable and a great timesaver. The mark two version incorporated some additional features such as an extra wheel and an additional big piece of cardboard on the reverse side. The advantages here is that you can translate bullshit phrases you find during the course of your work into readily understandable language by positioning the translation of the bullshit word on the reverse side of the revolving disk.

An example of this translation facility:

analytically/pre-emptive/redundancy =

some idiot screwed up with the figures and now your out of a job (Lady McMoo supplied me with this one).

Take it from me...this device is the greatest invention since the Aussie-Amish pitchfork moustache tuner...and I'm sure the distributors of that venerated device would be happy to handle the bullshit generator as well.

"Generate bullshit...impress your boss...and make money!"

mooman

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 06:08 PM

I'd like an Instant Soberizer!!!

drink all night, flick a switch...

BANG!

Stone cold sober and ready to drive home...

Actually it'd be even better if it was just a pause button for a good buzz... Hit the pause button... sober for the drive home... hit the pause button again, and the buzz continues from right where ya left off!!!

:-)

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 Sep 01 - 09:52 PM

mooman, that's ingenious! I worked for a couple of years for a quasi-government agency -- Bonneville Power Administration to be exact (me and Woody Guthrie, but I was a technical writer)-- and that contraption would have been invaluable! I think I'll construct one.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: mooman
Date: 07 Sep 01 - 03:30 AM

Thanks Don! Positive feedback (rationally/constructivist/affirmation) is always welcome!

Sorry I said 4 disks and 4 brass thingies with the bendy legs! That was for the Mark II version. You only need 3 of each for the free "Bullshitware" version (you are free to use the technology for whatever use you wish but I would appreciate, on a completely goodwill and voluntary basis, news on any really creative and effective new bullshit phrases your device produces!)

Regards,

mooman

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: MAG
Date: 07 Sep 01 - 11:07 AM

Here in the states we call 'em brass tacks.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Robin Vallé
Date: 07 Sep 01 - 11:43 AM

I know the feeling Trevor,

Like most problems there is a simple answer.

I know a person who is mentally disturbed. When he gets it into his head to do so, he quite simply ignores people.

I've tried it myself a few times and it works just fine. Of course you leave people with a ?????? look in their eyes but you might find it worth it. (hehe)

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Deda
Date: 07 Sep 01 - 02:23 PM

Calvin's Transmogrifier -- It was made out of a big cardboard box, with a dial on the side. He'd go into it as Calvin and come out as whatever else he wanted to be -- like Brilliantman (I've probably misremembered the name) who would take his tests for him. (Could I come out 20 years younger, physically, but without losing any of my 50-plus savvy?)

Calvin made a few adjustments in the transmogrifier so that it churned out duplicates of him -- except that they combed their hair, had good table manners and did their homework.

I'd also like a transporter, so I could zap around anyplace, anytime, and not have to bother with airports and travel time and paying fares!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Sep 01 - 03:51 PM

Remember the magic harp in "Jack and the Beanstalk"

I'd like a Stat that plays like Jimi, An ES355 that plays like B.B., an SG that plays like Jimmy (Page) and a Martin that plays like Maury Muelhousen (Jim Croce's guitarist) or like Tim Reynolds. Or any Guitar that plays like Chet.

Santa are you listening?

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: John Kidder
Date: 08 Sep 01 - 02:39 AM

Mooman - a colleague once introduced a version of your BS detector (check off the words from a table as they are uttered, win a prize if you get them all - his version said that you could just adjourn the meeting immediately).

We all laughed, said it was a great idea, and moved on with our clear and non-bullshit meeting. And about a half an hour into what was going to be a long session, Doug held up his score sheet. He had used about three-quarters of the words without any remarks, and he had picked the rest, honest to god, from the rest of the conversation. We done for the day.

JohnK

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 09 Sep 01 - 02:13 AM

"SSSS, He'sss got my preciousss! Yesss, thisss Trevor is a Baginssss. We hatesss him, yessss. We shall squeez his neck precious, until he stops breathing, and then precious will be oursss, yessss gollum."

Be afraid, Trevor, be very afraid!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: gnu
Date: 09 Sep 01 - 04:50 AM

mooman !!! Excellent !!!

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Sep 01 - 12:29 AM

mooman, I have the internal BS detector enabled, but for the Generator can't we have it as a downloadable program randomizing it all? We have the Dialectizer, after all. We need the Obfuscaticateroonie. I mean, I can see the fun of having a hands on toy, but think of the applications as a forum translator or post enhancer!

~S~

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Trevor
Date: 10 Sep 01 - 05:06 AM

I used to have a tetchometer, a little box which emitted a funny little bleeping signal (it was the remote for my answering machine actually), which I used when I was working with youngsters to point out to them that they were having a bit of an unnecessary strop. It usually brought on a smile, although I would never have used it if there was a major tetch going on 'cos I would probably have got a thick ear! Incidentally, I have a bullshit generator on my desk at this moment. I also have a formula for calculating the 'Fog Factor'. Take a half to a a full page of text; count the words with more than two syllables (not including proper nouns); count the number of sentences; divide the long words by the number of sentences and lo and behold, the larger the Fog Factor the more long-winded the document. Anything more than three and you qualify to work in Local Government. (Ithink this message is OK!) BTW I was never worried about slimy old Gollum, it is the real baddies that I don't like, the ones who can see straight away where you are hiding. When I was a kid, the teacher ALWAYS turned round just as I was pulling my tongue out behind their back, so how about an impenetrable, invisible force field which makes you seem the same to outsiders but from behind which you can pull faces at people.

Subject: RE: What has it in itss pocketsss?
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 10 Sep 01 - 08:35 AM

I'd like an SEP generator, as popularised by Douglas Adams. It is actually quite difficult to make something invisible, but if you generate an SEP field, people just ignore it, because it is Somebody Else's Problem.