BS: Best Misfortunes

Subject: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 07:32 PM

I'm trying to start a little business with my kids, selling Misfortune cookies, to work through the process of it with them. The idea began with a halloween party my part-time wife had, and we've kept writing them.

Now I need to pick a few of the funniest to order samples to take around. Help.

These are some of my favorites, beginning with my daughter's, which started it all.

1. A guy who eats cream corn with his mouth open will have a crush on you.
2. You'll never find the right haircut.

3. Your fortune is very important to us. Please hold.

4. Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement, dude.

5. You'll laugh so hard milk comes out your nose, when you aren't drinking milk.

6. Your job will be a joke, you will be broke, your love-life will be DOA, and you'll have that damn "Friends" song stuck in your head.

7. Nice to have the best sex of your life out of the way already.

8. You'll live a long happy life, so it won't seem to Elton John you were like a candle in the wind.

9. Coleman, Sinise, Bussey, Oldman--you become obsessed with a theory that actors named Gary are kinda weird.

10. Your business venture suceeds, Bill Gates.

11. Your music career will be destroyed by what the deaf call "those stupid hearing people."

12. In being kind to others, you will receive kindness back, I guess.

13. Never under-estimate projectile properties of coleslaw.

14. You find lasting love (batteries not included).

15. There are lessons to be learned by listening to others, blockhead.

16. Opportunity knocks for you, waits, then keys your car and leaves.

17. You restore El Caminos in your retirement.

18. The longest journey begins with getting off the couch.

19. You'll wish you'd had those nude photos done professionally when you were younger.

20. Beware a bagel-related injury.


Any of those? votes on the best, anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 07:38 PM

I like the subtler ones, myself. I vote for #3, unless you want to add "Life is tough. It's tougher when you're stupd" (John Wayne).

A

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,Q
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 07:48 PM

Life is hard. Then you die.
Your heart is roadkill on the road to love.
May you knock on wood from the inside of a box.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Pushkin
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 07:49 PM

I like 6 and 7 myself. Then there's always "You don't get out of Life alive".

Pushkin

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,Q
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 07:51 PM

You will choke to death on a fortune cookie.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 09:46 PM

Guest Q, We thought of misfortunes involving fortune cookies, but since we're looking for the cheapest we can get produced, thought maybe we should avoid that direction.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Ebbie
Date: 04 Jan 03 - 10:57 PM

Fred, do you have more than one part-time wife?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 05 Jan 03 - 01:23 AM

Most of them are pretty funny. Try this one for size:

"Do not remove this tag under penalty of law!"

Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 05 Jan 03 - 01:47 AM

Sort of. And a part-time daughter, an 18 year old I'm trying to adopt--my full-time kids keep asking "can we keep her"? But those birth parents are so clingy sometimes.

21. You will be famous for less than fifteen minutes.

22. Abandon all hope, if you have already abandoned all hope, disregard this notice.

23. You'll never lose your hair, it will just grow in different places.

24. No one will tell you about that word you mispronounce.

25. Thou hast a great personality, really thou dost.

26. You're that kind of guy a woman's mother likes.

27. The best things in life are free, so are rocks on the surface of the moon.

28. You survive a close shave, then a second blade comes along to shave you even closer.

29. People you had to suck up to abscond with the balance of your butt-kissing account.

30. Tragic accident (picnic, lightning).

31. God introduces a "New and Improved" you to your friends.

32. Your future contains profanity, violence, and nudity. Viewer discretion advised.

33. All the people you feel superior to suddenly die.

34. People think you're an idiot savante, almost.

35. Deep in your weird little heart you fear you might be slightly odd.

36. Happiness is yours (this offer void where prohibited).

37. Great wisdom comes to you then you wake up and forget it.

38. Your best qualities shine in people who have more of them.

39. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or at least it doesn't kill you.

40. You're held captive by a blind man who makes you read the works of Dickens to him.

I don't know, maybe some of the rest are okay. Hard to tell what's funny to more people more often.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: RangerSteve
Date: 05 Jan 03 - 08:15 AM

The people at the next table are cops, and they've been listening to your entire conversation.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Jan 03 - 07:50 PM

Life is too short to stuff a mushroom - no-one ever eats them anyway.

There is always one more chocolate in the box... shame it's the one you don't like.

Sometimes a good cigar is a smoke, and that's bad for your health.

You will always be able to make things idiot proof - but someone will always spawn a better idiot.

Your child will be a beautiful baby - pity puberty will deal them such a terrible blow.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Jan 03 - 07:59 PM

-Caution: Rice may contain varying quantities of busboy urine.
-Guess what I did in the Chop Suey?
-I hope you didn't pay with your credit card here.
-Your wife has been sleeping with her co-worker, Jeff. signed... a friend.
-Your husband has been sleeping with his co-worker, Steve.   signed... a friend.
-Could you please play "Brown-Eyed Girl" for Julie. It's her birthday.
-Don't look around. Just get up and go straight to the cloakroom if you want to live.
-Windows Explorer has encountered an error and needs to close.
-And so! You thought nobody would recognize you under that furshlugginer beard, eh, Doctor Mengele? I hope you enjoyed your Tai Dop Voy, you murdering Nazi putz! Let's see how you like being experimented on.
-That wasn't chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 07 Jan 03 - 05:45 PM

Dogs and psychics will lead authorities to you your grave.

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Best Misfortunes
From: GUEST,ClaireBear
Date: 07 Jan 03 - 07:22 PM

Actually got this one once:

"Trust him, but hang on to your old friends."

Also, I've gotten the fortune "There is yet time to take another path" so often that I will almost be relieved the day I finally get one that reads thus:

"It is now too late to take another path."

I love number 22, but please use a semicolon before "if"! Number 27 also ought to have a semicolon. I'm an editor; I can't help it.