BS: Umpires real or not?

Subject: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: GUEST,VT
Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:25 PM

I've wondered for a long time if umpires are real or not. You read about them, but has anyone ever seen one or known one? Are they really blind? Do they really do that to their mothers? If they do exist does anyone love them?

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: mack/misophist
Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:28 PM

I saw one on TV once, a long tome ago. They must exist if you can show them on TV.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: LadyJean
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:16 AM

I've seen them at baseball games. They have a special gland in their sides that produces baseballs at need.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:29 AM

They have their own headquarters...The Umpire State Building

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 01:11 AM

Wuncth upon a time the Game of Kriket had only two Umpires - now they have a Turd Umpire ath well...

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 08:31 AM

I think that they are destined by God to rule the world from Italy -- I've seen references to the Holy Roman Umpire.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: *daylia*
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 08:35 AM

Oh no, we're destined by God to be ruled from Italy AGAIN? What is this, the Umpire Strikes Back or something???

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Snuffy
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 09:02 AM

Umpire, umpire.
Stick it up your jumpire.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: mooman
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:49 AM

I am not entirely sure that they are of this word at all.

This person purports to be a football "umpire" but in fact I believe him to be

The Mekon


Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: mooman
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:50 AM

This also links in to *daylia*'s point above....

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: mooman
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:51 AM

Sorry!

this world....

moo (under effect of The Mekon)

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:53 AM

is it true you can keep them away by spitting tobbaco juice?

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Nerd
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:48 PM

The problem with deciding if umpires are real or not on the basis of all the blather above is the lack of Umpirical evidence...

Oh, God, I'm parodying myself!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Mark Clark
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 01:13 PM

I recall that Robert X. Cringely wrote a book about baseball officials of the west titled Occidental Umpires.

      - Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 02:24 PM

...well, that reminds me of a story, Opie...

Seems there was this here rambunktshus baseball fan, name of Sean. He'd be out there, a-rootin' for his home team, just a-cussin' an' a-name-callin' all them umpires who'd make an unfav'rable call agin' his team-of-choice.

But, soon enough, that warn't enough for ol' Sean. He began throwin' things at the umps. Eggs an' rotten veg'tables, it was at first. But then he started savin' up his poop , an' his dog's poop, an' the neighbour's dog's poop, any kinda poop, in sammich bags an' throwin' that! Needless to say, he made quite a name for hisself amongst the pracktish'ners of the umpirin' profeshun. They started callin' him THE Sean.

"Damn," they'd say to one another. "I got to umpire me a game at The Sean's ball park tonight. I shore do hate that guy!"

Well, he liked that sort o' not'riety, you might reckon.

But the umpires, they all got together and decided to boycott the ballpark that The Sean had been patronizin' and never umpire a game there until somethin' was done. Well, ya cain't hardly blame `em, right?

Well, the owners of the ballpark wasn't about to ban a ballfan of Sean's stature, but they did have their security personals remove any paraphernayleea that The Sean happened to bring with him to the games.

But this wasn't about to limit The Sean in his enthusiazm, no siree. He'd take hisself to the lavat'ry (which is what they calls the backhouse when it's on the inside) and have hisself a big poop there, collect the leavin's and take that to his seat. And that's what The Sean would throw, this time without benefit o' the sammich bags. So this was worse, o'course.

An' natcherly, the umpires got together themselfs another boycott. And so the owners passed another rule. Now The Sean wasn't to be allowed to use the facilties neither. An' they had to keep a big security pers'nal sittin' beside The Sean at all times to kinda keep him in line, so t'speak.

So finally, things was sorted out enough for the umps an' they all come back to work. And now they's all glad to be...

....an umpire where The Sean never shits.




Oh, I'm groaning along with you, folks. Believe me!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 02:48 PM

I've heard that in days gone by one Umpire would move from game to game, from town to town, secretly putting their Rules and Agenda into place for their Revolution. But this trusted agent spent one too many Summer nights with the wenches in the local taverns and caught a Social Disease. As the trees lost their leaves and Winter approached, his health broke, his balance was affected, and he tumbled from a bridge and drowned.

You can read it right there in Fitzgibbons "Decline and Fall of the Roamin' Umpire."

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 03:04 PM

Rapaire? that deserves this....

THWACK!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: CraigS
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 05:34 PM

I know a test match third umpire, who used to work in the same job as me when there wasn't any cricketing to be done. I think he played for Middlesex, but being a Yorkie I didn't enquire about such. Do they have umpires for bowls? Are umpires de-fanged vampires?

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 05:50 PM

Boy oh boy, could a vampire umpire ever stick it to you!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Hrothgar
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 10:15 PM

You should all be ashamed of the refereehensible things you've been saying!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 02:37 AM

Wasn't Napoleon an Umpire?

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 09:08 AM

No - he conquered an Umpire!

Not tonight Joesephine!

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 10:13 AM

Wasn't one of the umpires a dickie bird??

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 10:31 AM

A well known Australian Cricket Umpire was called "Dickie" Bird.

Watch out for the new movie - "The Umpire Strikes Back!"


Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 12:30 PM

Correction Robin..........Dickie Bird is English and as Yorkshire as they come.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: *daylia*
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 02:18 PM

Dang them blimey Yorkshire Dicky Birds! Infesting the Cat no less! Must be another attack of British Umperialism ....

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 11:56 AM

In the UK TV series 'Casualty' they apparantly had a storyline in which Nurse Duffin (See here) got so frustrated with one of her patients that she covered hin in red paint from can of touch-up paint spray!

He was, apparantly, the guy who kept calling Tim Henmans serves out at Wimblebon and her, being a fan, couldn't help herself.

The episode was due to be called 'Duffy the Umpire Sprayer'...

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 12:01 PM

I'll continue to disbelieve until someone is able to produce umpirical evidence.

don't bother - I'll do it myself. *THWACK*

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 12:48 PM

I was reminded of the "umpirical" evidence of the existance of Umpires by my daughter Lori. When my children were younger I used to recite the timeless legend of "Casey at the Bat" by Ernest Lawrence Thayer. My daughter reminded me that if Umpires are not real then the story in the poem could not be true. Out of the mouths of 23 year old babes...


And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, bleak with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm waves on a worn and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted someone in the stands,
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it and the umpire said, "Strike two."

Case closed, obviously Umpires are real.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 10:00 PM

Are umpires real or not? Absolutely.

Subject: RE: BS: Umpires real or not?
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 01:39 PM

My brother is an umpire - fully qualified (yes he did have to take exams)cricket umpire. Of course whether you believe my brother exists is another matter ...