BS: The Metrognome

Subject: BS: The Metrognome
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM

Just had a fellow ask me what a metrognome was.

I told him it was the lesser known cousin of the common country gnome that lives in the subway systems.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 01:54 PM

I thought Metrognomes lived in air ducts and HVAC units.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 01:54 PM

The common country gnome is much 'elfier!

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 02:44 PM

Those who care about the health and wellbeing of gnomes may be interested in CLICKING here, to see a great Song Challenge thread about those poor enslaved gnomes who have to stand out in the cold and rain to oversee some people's gardens.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 03:17 PM

They built the underground railway in Paris.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 05:13 PM

... and haunt the Opera house in Lincoln Center.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Burke
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 06:32 PM

They keep the stadium in Minneapolis inflated.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,si
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 06:35 PM

They gave the Geordies shops.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 06:47 PM

They get educated at the London School of Ecognomics.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 06:51 PM

And argue the subtleties of logical conclusion at the Paris School of Ergo Gnomics...

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:04 PM

I guess this thread I started is gnomeinaly successfull!

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:26 PM

Do they shop in British Gnome Stores?

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Peace
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:26 PM

Well, everyone's got the gnomenclature down to an art.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,si
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:29 PM

Gnome woman no cry.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:45 PM

The which the Church hath bound together
Let Gnome and cast asunder....

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:51 PM

Do gnomads live in gnome man's land?

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Ebbie
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 07:55 PM

Gnome, Alaska, is a very cold town, populated by gnomes, I've heard tell. A friend of mine used to live there but she left soon- they said she was too gnormal.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Peace
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 08:40 PM

When in Gnome, do as the Gnonams do.

Subject: RE: BS: The Aussie Metrognome
From: freda underhill
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 08:58 PM

Metrosexual: (noun) Of or pertaining to a straight, urban male who is eager to embrace and even show off his feminine side, especially when it comes to expensive haircuts, designer suits, and $40 face cream.

The Gnome from Ironbark

It was the Gnome from Ironbark who struck the Sydney town,
He bought some fancy loafers for a wandering up and down.
He bought some Gnome Foam Face Cream from the latest fancy shop
and then at last in vanity he sought a barber's shop.
"Ere! shave my beard and whiskers off, I'll be a metro gnome,
I'll go give the girls a thrill in Ironbark, back home.'
The barber gnome was small and flash, as barbers mostly are,
He wore a strike-your-fancy sash, he smoked a huge cigar:
He was a humorist of note and keen at repartee,
He laid the odds and kept a 'toke', whatever that may be,
And when he saw our friend arrive, he whispered 'Here's a lark!
Just watch me make 'im over like, this gnome from Ironbark.'
There were some metrosexuals sat along the barber's wall,
Their eyes were clear, their haircuts sharp, well muscled one and all;
To them the barber passed the wink, his dexter eyelid shut,
'I'll make this bloomin' yokel think his bloomin' throat is cut.'
And as he soaped and rubbed it in he made a rude remark:
'I s'pose the flats is pretty green up there in Ironbark.'
A grunt was all reply he got; he shaved the bushman's chin,
Then made the water boiling hot and dipped the razor in.
He raised his hand, his brow grew black, he paused awhile to gloat,
Then slashed the red-hot razor-back across his victim's throat;
Upon the newly shaven skin it made a livid mark —
No doubt it fairly took him in — the Gnome from Ironbark.
He fetched a wild up-country yell might wake the dead to hear,
And though his throat, he knew full well, was cut from ear to ear,
He struggled gamely to his feet, and faced the murd'rous foe:
'You've done for me! you dog, I'm beat! one hit before I go!
I only wish I had a knife, you blessed murdering shark!
But you'll remember all your life, the Gnome from Ironbark.'
He lifted up his hairy paw, with one tremendous clout
He landed on the barber's jaw, and knocked the barber out.
He set to work with tooth and nail, he made the place a wreck;
He grabbed the nearest gilded youth, and tried to break his neck.
And all the while his throat he held to save his vital spark,
And 'Murder! Bloody Murder!' yelled the Gnome from Ironbark.
A well shod man who heard the din came in to see the show;
He tried to run the bushgnome in, but he refused to go.
And when at last the barber spoke, and said, "Twas all in fun —
'Twas just a little harmless joke, a trifle overdone.'
'A joke!' said the gnome, ' just come on ome, to visit Ironbark
I'll take you on a pub crawl and I'll get you in the dark'

And now while round the shearing floor the country gnomes all gape,
He tells of his brave metro roam, and brags of his escape.
'Them barber chaps what keeps a toke, By George, I've had enough,
One tried to cut my bloomin' throat, but thank the Lord it's tough.'
And whether he's believed or no, there's one thing to remark,
That flowing beards are all the go for gnomes in Ironbark.

fred

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 09:02 PM

Silly Wabbit!! Gnomads are written by gnome ad men...in widdle gway fwannel suits!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: freda underhill
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 09:09 PM

ps apologies to Bangnome Packusone

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 09:15 PM

The Laughing Gnome - David Bowie

I was walking down the High Street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (Hello)
In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office
(Gnome Office)
Yes
(Hahahahaha)

CHORUS
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Said the laughing Gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
Carried his bag and gave him a fag
(Haven't you got a light boy?)
"Here, where do you come from?"
(Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)
"Oh, really?"

In the morning when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother whose name was Fred
He'd bought him along to sing me a song

Right, let's hear it
Here, what's that clicking noise?
(That's Fred, he's a "metrognome", haha)

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"

(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
"Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?"
(No, we're gnomads)
"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?
you look like a rolling gnome."
(No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)

Now they're staying up the chimney
And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows
It's the-er (what?)
It's the Gnome service of course

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
Ha ha ha, oh, dear me

(Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me")

(One more time, yeah)

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Jan 04 - 07:28 PM

Well I guess there are gnome or puns for me to add......

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Micca
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 12:07 AM

You could try writing under a gnome-de-Plume or a pseudo-gnome,
still gnome matter!

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 12:10 AM

I thought a Gnome Atter was a small poisonous snake?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 12:13 AM

any more gnus about gnomes today? if not then gnite!

fred

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 06:03 AM

Gnomes lost their own BBC radio programme many years ago - it was called "The Gnome Service". This seems very unfair as we still have (a version of) "The National 'Elf Service".

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 10:00 AM

Pretty good additions.
Keep it up!
I'm thinking of awarding a Gnomebel Prize for the best.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,Gnomore gnomes
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 08:13 AM

Gimli

you were my hearts desire
i loved your stocky spunk
your thick, blunt speech,
your glinting eyes
your barrelchested punk

gnomatter that your hearty lips
came only to my knees
nor that your throaty bellowing
has now become a wheeze

you have betrayed me, lusty one
with another little one
you followed a woman
of your own tribe into the setting sun..

I gazed at your muscly arm in hers
my greedy heart did crack
for i knew right there
that your wandering boots
would ne'er more come back.

and so i lay, in the summer sun
and wept a river of tears
my ancient hopes and dreams all drowned
i threw back another of beer

gnomore those lazy summer days
gnomore those rousing nights
as the indigo sky reaches over me
with its thousand blinking lights

gnomore my love, I tear my hair
yes, from the armpits too
gnomore that tendon in the kneck
as I adjust my gaze down to you...

Sylvia Plathtic

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 08:46 AM

Wow -- transpecies love songs. Terrific!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 09:27 AM

Just a long winded version of:

"I Ain't Got Gnomebody"

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,sylvia plathtic
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 09:28 AM

thanks amos - interspecies angst has ripped me apart

they say men are from mars and women are from venus

but gimli is from middle earth and i am genus hommus erectus (greek, you see)

s.p.

on behalf of f.u.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 10:55 AM

Are you sure it isn't hummus erectus (when you leave the hummus in the refrigerator so long it starts to stand up for itself).
I've always found hummus to be a gnome-frills type of food.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: Hrothgar
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 10:23 PM

There is something wrong with the timing of this ............

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST,sylvia plathtic
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 07:30 AM

i had some hummos tonight, at a little lebagnome restaurant, before trotting off to listen to an aussie gnome (Ian MacIntosh) performing at a little do. he was faaantastic

and so was the hummos.

Subject: RE: BS: The Metrognome
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 03:18 PM

Gnomin' in the gloamin'.