Aussie poem: Sensitive Bloke

Subject: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:20 AM

I'm looking for a 19th or early 20th century humerous poem called The [or A] Sensitive Bloke. All I can remember is one line that goes ... to see old 'Amlick do a bleed. Any offers?

Steve

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Margret RoadKnight
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:33 AM

"The Sentimental Bloke"?

Subject: ADD: The Sentimental Bloke (poem)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 02:56 PM

If so:

The Sentimental Bloke
(by C. J. Dennis)

Wot's in a name?-- she sez . . . An' then she sighs,
An' clasps 'er little 'ands, an' rolls 'er eyes.
"A rose," she sez, "be any other name
Would smell the same.
Oh, w'erefore art you Romeo, young sir?
Chuck yer ole pot, an' change yer moniker!"

Doreen an' me, we bin to see a show--
The swell two-dollar touch. Bong tong, yeh know.
A chair apiece wiv velvit on the seat;
A slap-up treat.
The drarmer's writ be Shakespeare, years ago,
About a barmy goat called Romeo.

"Lady, be yonder moon I swear!" sez 'e.
An' then 'e climbs up on the balkiney;
An' there they smooge a treat, wiv pretty words
Like two love-birds.
I nudge Doreen. She whispers, "Ain't it grand!"
'Er eyes is shining an' I squeeze 'er 'and.

'Wot's in a name?" she sez. 'Struth, I dunno.
Billo is just as good as Romeo.
She may be Juli-er or Juli-et--
'E loves 'er yet.
If she's the tart 'e wants, then she's 'is queen,
Names never count . . . But ar, I like "Doreen!"

A sweeter, dearer sound I never 'eard;
Ther's music 'angs around that little word,
Doreen! . . . But wot was this I starts to say
About the play?
I'm off me beat. But when a bloke's in love
'Is thorts turns 'er way, like a 'omin' dove.

This Romeo 'e's lurkin' wiv a crew--
A dead tough crowd o' crooks--called Montague.
'Is cliner's push--wot's nicknamed Capulet--
They 'as 'em set.
Fair narks they are, jist like them back-street clicks,
Ixcep' they fights wiv skewers 'stid o' bricks.

Wot's in a name? Wot's in a string o' words?
They scraps in ole Verona wiv the'r swords,
An' never give a bloke a stray dog's chance,
An' that's Romance.
But when they deals it out wiv bricks an' boots
In Little Lon., they're low, degraded broots.

Wot's jist plain stoush wiv us, right 'ere to-day,
Is "valler" if yer fur enough away.
Some time, some writer bloke will do the trick
Wiv Ginger Mick, Of Spadger's Lane.
'E'll be a Romeo,
When 'e's bin dead five 'undred years or so.

Fair Juli-et, she gives 'er boy the tip.
Sez she: "Don't sling that crowd o' mine no lip;
An' if you run agin a Capulet,
Jist do a get."
'E swears 'e's done wiv lash; 'e'll chuck it clean.
(Same as I done when I first met Doreen.)

They smooge some more at that. Ar, strike me blue!
It gimme Joes to sit an' watch them two! '
E'd break away an' start to say good-bye,
An' then she'd sigh
"Ow, Ro-me-o!" an' git a strangle-holt,
An' 'ang around 'im like she feared 'e'd bolt.

Nex' day 'e words a gorspil cove about
A secret weddin'; an' they plan it out.
'E spouts a piece about 'ow 'e's bewitched:
Then they git 'itched . . .
Now, 'ere's the place where I fair git the pip!
She's 'is for keeps, an' yet 'e lets 'er slip!

Ar! but 'e makes me sick! A fair gazob!
E's jist the glarsey on the soulful sob,
'E'll sigh and spruik, a' 'owl a love-sick vow--
(The silly cow!)
But when 'e's got 'er, spliced an' on the straight
'E crools the pitch, an' tries to kid it's Fate.

Aw! Fate me foot! Instid of slopin' soon
As 'e was wed, off on 'is 'oneymoon,
'Im an' 'is cobber, called Mick Curio,
They 'ave to go
An' mix it wiv that push o' Capulets.
They look fer trouble; an' it's wot they gets.

A tug named Tyball (cousin to the skirt)
Sprags 'em an' makes a start to sling off dirt.
Nex' minnit there's a reel ole ding-dong go—
'Arf round or so.
Mick Curio, 'e gets it in the neck,
"Ar rats!" 'e sez, an' passes in 'is check.

Quite natchril, Romeo gits wet as 'ell.
"It's me or you!" 'e 'owls, an' wiv a yell,
Plunks Tyball through the gizzard wiv 'is sword,
'Ow I ongcored! "Put in the boot!" I sez. "Put in the boot!"
"'Ush!" sez Doreen . . . "Shame!" sez some silly coot.

Then Romeo, 'e dunno wot to do.
The cops gits busy, like they allwiz do,
An' nose around until 'e gits blue funk
An' does a bunk.
They wants 'is tart to wed some other guy.
"Ah, strike!" she sez. "I wish that I could die!"

Now, this 'ere gorspil bloke's a fair shrewd 'ead.
Sez 'e "I'll dope yeh, so they'll think yer dead."
(I tips 'e was a cunnin' sort, wot knoo
A thing or two.)
She takes 'is knock-out drops, up in 'er room:
They think she's snuffed, an' plant 'er in 'er tomb.

Then things gits mixed a treat an' starts to whirl.
'Ere's Romeo comes back an' finds 'is girl
Tucked in 'er little coffing, cold an' stiff,
An' in a jiff,
'E swallows Iysol, throws a fancy fit,
'Ead over turkey, an' 'is soul 'as flit.

Then Juli-et wakes up an' sees 'im there,
Tums on the water-works an' tears 'er 'air,
"Dear love," she sez, "I cannot live alone!"
An' wiv a moan, She grabs 'is pockit knife, an' ends 'er cares . . .
"Peanuts or lollies!" sez a boy upstairs.

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Helen
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 05:31 PM

What a treat! Reading that again! It may not be what you are looking for but it is a classic.

I can't remember C.J. Dennis doing one on Hamlet, but this one on Romeo & Juliet - when we were at school and had to read it it made little sense without knowing the Shakespeare and the references to street louts and fighting, and some of the slang used, but now - it gets better every time I read it.

Sort of West Side Story, Oz-style, but funnier. Sort of Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet movie, but cleverer.

Helen

Subject: Lyr Add: OOR HAMLET (Adam McNaughtan)
From: Helen
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 05:41 PM

It reminds me of two very funny plays I saw a couple of decades back, called Hamlet on Ice (it wasn't on ice, that was part of the humour), and Boy's Own Macbeth. Written by some of Oz's best comedic talents including Graham Bond & Rory O'Donohue. The Macbeth was set up on stage like an old fashioned school room. The audience members who arrived late were called to the front of the stage and bawled out by the teacher character. The most memorable line was when the character in a spotted dog suit came in and peed on the floor and was told "Out, damned Spot!"

I found this, too.
Hamlet (Condensed to three minutes)

by Adam McNaughtan.
(as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)

There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"

So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
Till a troupe of traveling actors like seven eighty four
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.

Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting

So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.

Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.

Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.

Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.

Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.

Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.

---

Click.

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 06:02 PM

Adam's got a version of Macbeth too.

---

Click.

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 11:21 PM

These are brill! Thanks for posting them!

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 03:39 AM

Serendipity strikes again! I think I must have been confusing my poems, and the "Amlick" one must be something else altogether. But I'm delighted with what everyone's posted here!

Steve

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:22 PM

There's a Geordie Hamlet too - Hamlick, Prince of Denton

Ov a' the lads o' Denton Burn,
Yong Hamlick had ne marrow,
He'd put or hew an' take his turn
Te drive the rolley-barrow.
His feythor kept a corver's shop,
His muther teuk in sewin;
But, man, they say she liked a drop,
An' drunk gin like a new un.

That's the first verse - for the rest click on that link.

Subject: Lyr Add: CULTURE IN THE SLUMS (W. E. Henley)
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 04:02 AM

My mind's going ... I must be getting old! The poem I was thinking of turns out to be something quite different, though very similar. Here it is:

Culture in the Slums

      BALLADE

I often does a quiet read
  At Booty Shelly's poetry;
I thinks that Swinburne at a screed
  Is really almost too too fly;
  At Signor Vagna's harmony
I likes a merry flutter;
  I've had at Pater many a shy;
In fact, my form's the Bloomin' Utter.

My mark's a tidy little feed,
  And 'Enery Irving's gallery,
To see old 'Amlick do a bleed,
  And Ellen Terry on the die,
  Or Frankey's ghostes at hi-spy,
And parties carried on a shutter.
  Them vulgar Coupeaus is my eye!
In fact, my form's the Bloomin' Utter.

The Grosvenor's nuts — it is, indeed!
  I goes for 'Olman 'Unt like pie.
It's equal to a friendly lead
  To see B. Jones's judes go by.
  Stanhope he makes me fit to cry.
Whistler he makes me flash my cly —
In fact, my form's the Bloomin' Utter.

      ENVOY

  I'm on for any Art that's 'Igh;
I talks as quiet as I can splutter;
I keeps a Dado on the sly;
In fact, my form's the Bloomin' Utter.

                                 W. E. HENLEY

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 04:43 AM

So....are you going to do a Cockney or Strine accent, Steve??

RtS

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 04:55 AM

Roger, Malcolm Price used to say that Cockney and Strine are so similar because some of our best 19th-C Cockney speakers were hand-picked and sent to Oz!

But I don't think I'll be performing CITS in case anyone asks me to explain it. Or flash my cly ...

Steve
PS I've just realised Signor Vagna is really Herr Wagner! Maybe there's hope yet?

Subject: Lyr Add: INVICTUS (W. E. Henley)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 07:45 AM

W.E. Henley (1849–1903) - better known for "Invictus" -

Out of the night that covers me,   
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,   
I thank whatever gods may be   
For my unconquerable soul.   
   
In the fell clutch of circumstance         
I have not winced nor cried aloud.   
Under the bludgeonings of chance   
My head is bloody, but unbowed.   
   
Beyond this place of wrath and tears   
Looms but the Horror of the shade,   
And yet the menace of the years   
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.   
   
It matters not how strait the gate,   
How charged with punishments the scroll,   
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 08:21 AM

Stew - you mention Malcom Price any idea where I can find him? We got perplecked as parots in 1367..

Cheers - Sam

Subject: RE: Ausie poem: Sensitive Bloke
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 10:39 AM

Sam, I asked the same question in another thread a long time ago ... needless to say, I can't find it now, even with the 'Cat's search engine. I think he may be back in New Zealand.

Steve