"Logged Out":

I haven't walked in your shoes but, for what it's worth, I share these thoughts with you in case they might be of some help:

It seems to me that your writing this post is evidence of your taking steps away from your situation-since it means that you are thinking about the ramifications of leaving the husband who you love but whose addiction is hurting him-and also hurting you, emotionally if not in any other ways.

You've written that leaving your husband means leaving "my home, family, half my social circle, joint finances etc". This list may actually be the result of your leaving-or it may be your excuses to dely doing something you really don't want to do. Since I'm not you, and not your close friend and confidente, I can't know that. However, I hope you don't think I'm cold when I say that people have survived without their home, their family, half of their social circle, and their joint finaces. It's very difficult but what has to be done, can be done.

I think it's very important for you to realize that leaving your husband does not mean that you have stopoed loving him. You can love someone even if you're not living with him or her.

"Logged out", have you thought about the possibility that you may be hurting your husband who you love instead of helping him by remaining in your situation? I'm sure you've read about enabling, but I know from my own experiences-though different from the one that you've described that knowing about enabling and stopping doing it are two different things.

It there are other people besides you who are being harmed or who could be harmed by the person you love (because of his addictions and/or his negative behaviours)-for instance if there are underage children- than it might be emotionally "easier" to leave your husband because you're not only thinking about your love one's well being & safety, and your wellbeing & safety, but also your children's well being & safety. But even with adult children or grandchildren you can think of what lesson you are role modeling for them by staying in a relationship that is harmful to you and to your husband.

I sympathize with you. And I don't have any easy answers and 1,2,3 steps. I know that sometimes a person has to give "tough love"-a love that appears to be selfish but really isn't because you're doing what you have to do because you have the long term best interest of your loved one-and you-in your mind and in your heart.

Also, let me say this: It would be nice if life didn't force us to be emotionally strong until we felt we were ready. But it's been my experiences that crisis have a way of exploding on the scene and forcing people to act-whether we feel we're ready or not. Perhaps the reason for this is that even though things, or people, or we ourselves are far from the way we want them (or ourselves) to be, inertia sets in and we don't won't change unless we're forced to.

I've also found that if we manage to avoid changing ourselves and our circumstances in the midst of or as a result of a particular crisis, than another, more serious crisis will eventually occur which will jolt us from our "comfortable" rut whether we're ready to change that situation-and ourselves-or not. In other words, people don't always have the luxury to wait to change things-and change themselves (meaning grow emotionally stronger or emotionally disintangle themselves) before circumstances occur that propel them out of the particular situation or situations that they are in.

Beyond that, I can only say that I hope that you are doing what you can to safe guard yourself and I hope that you recognize the need to do what you must do before there is an unavoidable crisis that will make you do what you need to do.

I wish you well,

Azizi