Simon is just the current example. I could have made just as long a rant about OpenOffice. And the functionality of the GUI is a tithe that of Windows XP. You can't blame any particular application on the OS, but you can blame the lack of any decent applications at all (for the task you want) on the OS. I've used shareware and freeware for Windows for 20 years and never had as much trouble as I'm having with this Linux stuff in the last 4 months.

Good point about Simon being an alpha -- I'll uninstall it and use something else. I'm used to websites having big flashing signs saying "THIS IS AN ALPHA PEOPLE!" but that's just laziness on my part.

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Answers from 2006 will NOT WORK in 2011 - they are for obsolete versions, which have those inherent bugs fixed, so the suggested workaround CAN NOT WORK. Don't waste your time. Google IS NOT YOUR FRIEND HERE, as you probably stumbled over these threads via Google.
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You misread me. I found these threads via the official channels (ubuntu.com, launchpad.net). And it's not that the solution is from 2006 so much as that the people stopped trying in 2006 to fix the problem. Nobody gives a damn for your problem if their pet solution doesn't work for you. This is why online, community-based support is totally inadequate. It's only helpful if (a) somebody has had the same problem as you with all the same parameters, and (b) they fixed it. The odds are great that for any problem that somebody with my level of computer skills can't fix, there's nobody on there who can either.

Somebody either here or on another forum suggested I get a book from Amazon or Borders or something -- I think that might be the solution. Play with that for a while, not use any applications more complicated than a toothpick, and grit my teeth.

At least what you're saying about sound systems in Linux is a point for my side. Linux has been around since 1992 and still hasn't figured this out? Not a strong argument in its favor. And nowadays people want sound from their computers. They play YouTube and stream video and any number of things. A computer without adequate sound is only half a computer.