This was mentioned by Ken Brock on 08 Dec 13. THAT IS THE END OF THE NEWS Words and music by Noël Coward Originally performed by Joyce Grenfell in the musical revue “Sigh No More,” 1945. We are told very loudly and often To lift up our hearts. We are told that good humour will soften Fate's cruelest darts. So, however bad our domestic troubles may be, We just shake with amusement and sing with glee. Heigh-ho! Mum's got those pains again. Granny's in bed with her varicose veins again. Everyone's gay because dear cousin Florrie Was run down on Saturday night by a lorry. We’re so glad! Elsie’s miscarriage Occurred on the Wednesday after her marriage. When Albert fell down all The steps of the Town Hall, He got three bad cuts and a bruise. We're delighted To be able to say We're unable to pay Off our debts. We're excited Because Percy's got mange And we've run up a bill at the vet's. Three cheers! Ernie's got boils again. Everything's covered in ointment and oils again. Now he's had seven, So God's in His heaven And that is the end of the news. We are told that it's dismal and dreary To air our despairs. We are told to be gallant and cheery And banish our cares. So, when fortune gives us a cup of hemlock to quaff, We just give a slight hiccup and laugh, laugh, laugh. Heigh-ho! Everything's fearful. We do wish that Vi was a little more cheerful. The only result of her last operation Has been gales of wind at the least provocation. Now don't laugh! Poor Mrs Mason Was washing some smalls in the lavatory basin, When that old corroded Gas-heater exploded And blew her smack into the mews. We're in clover! Uncle George is in clink For refusing to work for the war. Now it's over. Auntie Maud seems to think He'll be far better placed than before. What fun! Dear little Sidney’s Produced a spectacular stone in his kidney. He's had eleven, So God's in His heaven, And that is the end of the news. Heigh-ho! What a catastrophe! Grandfather's brain is beginning to atrophy. Last Sunday night after eating an apple. He made a rude noise in the Methodist chapel. Good egg! Dear little Doris Has just been expelled for assaulting Miss Morris. Both of her sisters Are covered in blisters From standing about in the queues. We've been done in By that mortgage foreclosure, And Father went out on a blind. He got run in For indecent exposure And ever so heavily fined. Heigh-ho! Hi-diddle-diddle! Aunt Isabel's shingles have met in the middle. She's buried in Devon. So God's in His heaven. And that is the end of the news.
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