WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE
As recorded by “Weird Al” Yankovic on “Off the Deep End,” 1992.

Let me tell you, sonny; let me set you straight:
You kids today ain’t never had it rough;
Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate.
You lazy brats think nothin’s good enough.

Well, nobody ever drove me to school when it was ninety degrees below.
We had to walk butt-naked through forty miles of snow.
Worked in a coal mine twenty-two hours a day for just half a cent.
Had to sell my internal organs just to pay the rent.

When I was your age. (4x)

Let me tell you somethin’, you whiny little snot:
There’s somethin’ wrong with all you kids today.
You just don’t appreciate all the things you got.
We were hungry, broke, and miserable, and we liked it fine that way.

Well, there were seventy-three of us livin’ in a cardboard box.
All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks.
Every night for dinner, we had a big ol’ chunk of dirt.
If we were really good, we didn’t get dessert.

When I was your age. (4x)

Didn’t have no telephone; didn’t have no fax machine.
All we had was a couple of cans and a crummy piece of string.
Didn’t have no swimmin’ pool when I was just a lad.
Our neighbor’s septic tank was the closest thing we had.

Didn’t have no dental floss; had to use old rusty nails.
Didn’t have Nintendo; we just poured salt on snails.
Didn’t have no waterbed; had to sleep on broken glass.
Didn’t have no lawnmower; we used our teeth to cut the grass.

[guitar solo]

What’s the matter now, Sonny? You say you don’t believe this junk?
You think my story’s wearin’ kinda thin?
I tell you one thing: I never was such a disrespectful punk.
Back in my time, we had a thing called discipline.

Dad would whup us every night ’til a quarter after twelve,
Then he’d get too tired and he’d make us whup ourselves.
Then he’d chop me into pieces and play Frisbee with my brain,
And let me tell ya, Junior: you never heard me complain.

When I was your age. (4x)

When I was your age (4x)

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Commentators have compared this to Don Henley’s “Dirty Laundry,” but it is more of a stylistic parody; Yankovic didn’t merely take Henley’s music and substitute different words; the tune and verse structure are substantially changed.