BS: Wedding day blues

18 May 08 - 01:59 AM (#2343395)
Subject: BS: Wedding day blues
From: mg

Oh my niece is getting married this Saturday, a lovely young lady, Korean by birth. That is the good news. The bad news is my sister, her mother, is extremely bossy and is going berserk (do they have to?) and causing a rift with my other sister, who is extremely sensitive and probably somewhat socially phobic. I am also finding out that what I thought would be a very casual reception in a bar like Cheers is actually going to be very formal. Yikes. And the skirt I bought to wear I didn't try on because I thought surely that will fit..it would but there is an underskirt that is way too tight. So I will have to go shopping. And I am probably going to miss the Wawona party at Folklife because I will either be staying overnight in Tacoma or maybe I will get there late...what a mess.

I honestly do not understand why weddings have to be nightmares. Get a church or place, buy flowers, someone makes a few cakes, make punch, put out pink and yellow mints and make the coffee. Let them eat dinner somewhere else. Let them drink somewhere else. Keep it simple. What a way to start a marriage with a berserk mother in law to be. mg

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18 May 08 - 07:12 AM (#2343473)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: the lemonade lady

"...The bad news is my sister, her mother..." it's a control thing and they aren't going to be the centre of attention. Weddings are always the same. Best thing to do is a private one with just friends, then if THE MOTHER wants to have HER day have one for her at a later date.

Better still don't get married.

Sal

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18 May 08 - 08:36 AM (#2343516)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Liz the Squeak

I'm all for encouraging elopements... makes things a lot easier on everyone!

Your sister sounds like mine, which could explain why none of my nieces, her 3 daughters, have yet taken the matrimonal step.

Good luck.

LTS

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18 May 08 - 09:18 AM (#2343545)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: GUEST,Fantasma

Co-habitation. Then you can just have a nice party to celebrate whatever you want, whenever you want without all the bullshit middle class lists of "should" and "must" do crap.

It is evil, the wedding industry. I'm still trying to figure out why gay marriage is the goal for the GLBT community. We would be far better off lobbying and advocating for partnership benefits, legal rights, and fair and equitable taxes for all.

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18 May 08 - 11:23 AM (#2343619)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Anne Lister

Best to stay away from the "wedding industry" altogether. There's no reason why anyone has to buy into it. We had the day of our dreams, just the way we wanted it, and didn't spend a fortune either. Told people to dress as they wanted to, but probably to avoid high heels because of the risk of sinking into the grass (my sister took no notice of our warnings and had to be pulled free) - apart from that everyone seemed very relaxed and it all went splendidly.
Once you follow the "shoulds" and "oughts" you probably deserve all that follows!

Anne

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18 May 08 - 11:26 AM (#2343623)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: GUEST,Fantasma

Very true!

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18 May 08 - 11:30 AM (#2343626)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Hawker

I had a fantastic wedding!
My husband and I were almost 300miles apart throughout our courtship which made plans a bit awkward, My mum had rushed my sisters marriage through as she managed to get herself pregnant and Oh! the shame! So Mum wanted everything just so for ours, it caused considerable friction and tensions between me and mum and Kev. In the end, Kevin suggested that we let them arrange the wedding that they wanted and we would just turn up.....................so thats what we did - no stress, no hassle, just a lovely day With surprises, i had no idea what the reception venue as like, I had not seen my cake..............and i wasn't the slightest bit stressed out. We just wanted to get married, we werent bothered about the rest, but it kept all partys happy and we had a great time too.
Cheers, and hope the day went better then you expected mg!
Lucy

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18 May 08 - 11:34 AM (#2343629)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: GUEST,Fantasma

Well, there wouldn't be much family legend making if we didn't have weddings and funerals, now would there?

Part of what makes us all connected, innit?

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19 May 08 - 02:28 AM (#2344124)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Sandra in Sydney

my sister's wedding was the best - the invitation was in big red font on a sheet of A4 paper.

It said We don't want your presents, just your presence & explained that a catered sit-down yawn would exclude lots of folks, and if both mothers cooking all day long they'd be exhausted, so folks were invited to join them in the park & later in their favourite coffee shop.

Around 100 people came along to the service in the park then everyone went to the nearby coffee shop & bought their own coffee. Some of John's colleagues excluded themselves cos they didn't like to receive an invitation from Pam & John, they thought it should have been from John & Pam!

All females, including Pam's poodle Mitty, received a yellow badge saying Pam's Bridesmaid, the men all got a similar one saying John's Best man, the parents received individual badges.

The wedding party was neatly dressed (bride in a cream silk very-mini skirt, groom & both fathers even wore ties!) guests were in casual, smart casual & very casual (beach gear cos it was a beachside park! The youngest guest wanted to be a bride so she was wearing white tulle on her head & over her swimmers, & her mum had a big bow of coloured tulle on her head, & of course my other sister decided Pam needed a bridesmaid so she bought a 1950's bridesmaid's dress from a charity shop, accessorised it with appropriate handbag & her pet parrot on her shoulder.

The group photo was fantastic.

sandra

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19 May 08 - 03:55 AM (#2344171)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: My guru always said

Lucy & Sandra, what fabulous methods & memories!!

mg, it looks like all you can do is be there for your Niece and maybe find a way to take the stress off her for a moment or two and perhaps find a special touch that will make her day. Hopefully it won't be such a nightmare on the day, it's usually all the frantic arrangements that people seem to get caught up in. Good luck with your shopping, hope you find something glam that you like & that you can wear time & time again!

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19 May 08 - 06:04 AM (#2344217)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Rumncoke

Not wanting to put ideas into anyone's head, but a couple who were in that situation had 'stag' and 'hen' do's meeting in late afternoon in the town square, and proceeded to the registry office where they were married and then they left on their honeymoon.

They maintained that it was the best thing they could have done, as the wedding her mother had planned was excruciating, and planning their escape from it had been all that kept them sane, and together, for the previous year. They had tried to talk her out of it several times, but she was adamant that they were to have her concept of a wedding.

Even her going away outfits had been chosen for the bride, and would have been ideal for Jackie Kennedy, but were way out of date and style.

They sent letters to everyone involved in the wedding by hand, to be delivered on the wedding morning, cancelling it all, but her mother never forgave her, which probably saved the marriage from a lot of interference later on.

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19 May 08 - 06:33 AM (#2344232)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Mo the caller

We had a very quiet wedding, just parents and my sister and Jim's friend from work with his camera.
Then, forty years on invited all our folky friends to a dance. No hassle, no presents, everyone brought a plate of food. Excellent band and caller, friends from ages ago and present dance clubs.
Best way round to do it.

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19 May 08 - 10:15 AM (#2344355)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Amos

Yon Kev has a brain on him, methinks!! Great escape!

I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall when Rumncoke's mum got her cancellation notice!! :D


We had two weddings--one for the legal purposes of our resident State, and one on the other side of the country where family were. Both were very small ceremonies, just the right handful of folks to make things happy.

The notion that people should be bullied into weddings not of their own design strikes me as a good way to set a marriage up for failure.


A

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19 May 08 - 10:55 AM (#2344374)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Bee

We married in my parents' church, in mostly rented finery, with bouquets and floral decor snatched from family gardens. Followed up with small family reception/potluck at my parents', and then off with 200 people to party on a friend's property deep in the country. Pots of chili, clams and mussels fed the hungry, drinkers camped in tents in the field, daughters of the household collected the empties for the cash, other cleanup cheerfully undertaken by guests, musician friends provided the dance music.

It was a legendary three day party, still talked about seventeen years on. Cost us about a thousand dollars all told, and left us feeling endless gratitude to all the folks involved, for whom we'd do as much at a minute's notice.

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19 May 08 - 12:21 PM (#2344437)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: wysiwyg

The issue is not the wedding industry ("get" a church, LOL), but the family dynamics. It's not a stage-- it's a family occasion, no matter where or how, or who attends.

ALL family members get dragged into ALL family dynamics. Weddings, funerals, holidays-- they just turn up the volume. (MG, hate to break it to you, but you're playing your role in that madness as well.)


At one wedding rehearsal that threatened to break up into the "usual" family squabbbles, Hardi turned up the lapel mic he uses to conduct these necessary events, and quietly, calmly remarked:

"Excuse me." Everyone stopped to listen.
"I'm sure you are all nervous about tomorrow. One thing you may have forgotten to be nervous about is, will the priest show up?"

Looooooooonggg pause.................

"We have a limited amount of time to do this rehearsal..... Now-- can we please have the bride here, the MOB here, the bridesmaids here...."


Not another nasty peep was heard. Lovely wedding, many happy
memories. The next round of insanity didn't get underway until grandchildren started to come along. Hardi was invited to step in to help moderate that, as well.


Sometimes people just have to realize who is IN CHARGE. :~)


Or, you can "get" a church.

~Susan

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19 May 08 - 03:52 PM (#2344556)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Anne Lister

Not all family dynamics are bad, though. For my wedding, my mother helped with the cost of my dress, my father paid for the seated meal and the rental for the building (it was a self-catering place with a licence for weddings), one brother paid for the bubbly and the other brother paid for the rest of the wine, one sister paid for my cake, the other paid for the flowers. My aunt did some flower arrangements for the table. One nephew was the ring bearer, my niece was a flower girl. One nephew was in charge of the camcorder. Friends provided the music and the wedding car (and chauffeur). Once we'd dealt with my father's jitters because he'd never been to a wedding which wasn't a church affair with all the trimmings, it was all plain sailing. And a lot of fun. Rehearsal? What rehearsal? LOL

But the wedding industry has a lot to answer for - they over-price everything, from the flowers to the favours, make you feel you're not doing it properly if you haven't followed every last inch of tradition and generally pump up the tension.

Anne

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19 May 08 - 04:23 PM (#2344580)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Sorcha

Well, IF our daughter ever does decide to get married, my ONLY response will be Yes Dear. Now, mind, we are likely to say 'We can't afford that so if you want it, you'll need to do it yourself'

Otherwise, what THEY want is what they get. Within legal reason, anyway! LOL

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19 May 08 - 04:38 PM (#2344595)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: PoppaGator

Our marriage was not exactly an elopment, but it was quick and informal, performed in Peggy's sister's living room by a justice-of-the-peace, with only the minimum number of witnesses. No fuss and no muss, but on the other hand no party and no presents.

While I am in no way a supporter of the wedding industry or any kind of "Bride-zilla" excess and neurosis, something just a little more elaborate would have been nice. We've certainly attended enough differnt weddings over the years, of many different styles, to have witnessed a few very enjoyable and appropriate celebrations.

We're doing a renewal-of-vows ceremony for our 35th anniversary. This will also be low-key and informal, but we hope to see a fair-sized group of friends show up. It'll be at church (which means, in the eyes of some folks I suppose, that we'll be really married for the first time!), and since we're doing it on Wednesday evening, to coincide with the weekly "Mission to Musicians" service, which is followed by a group supper with live music, we can have a "reception" of sorts without any planning or expense.

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19 May 08 - 08:18 PM (#2344767)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Sandra in Sydney

re the wedding industry - it's as big here as elsewhere & causes as much mental anguish.

Ring to book a dinner, cost $x, mention it's a wedding & cost increases dramatically for the same menu & no. of guests! Ditto hairdo & makeup.

Our national Consumers association recently did a survey of wedding dress suppliers & their mystery shoppers & members reported lots of bullying, demands to sign up immediately, refusals to give exact costs for resizing, etc, colours & materials not as ordered ...

With all the inflated costs & inflated ideas of what ya HAVE to have, family friction & all the rest, it's a wonder any marriages survive!

enjoy your evening, PoppaGator & Mrs P, it sounds like it will be a good time with friends, which is what it's all about.

sandra

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19 May 08 - 08:31 PM (#2344780)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos

My wife and I eloped and it's a good thing because if my better half had had to go through what she witnessed at my sister's wedding she would have probably left me at the alter.

Let's just say that the woman who was supposed to be the wedding director (I forget the proper term) quit and I'm pretty sure that she and my mother, who had been best friends prior, didn't speak much afterwards (Joy has since passed and I'll remember her forever!)

To top it all off, the caterer managed to make everyone sick as dogs!

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19 May 08 - 10:11 PM (#2344827)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: JennieG

When we were wed (32 years ago now, my how time does fly) we were married in a civil ceremony in a function place above a restaurant, then we all trooped downstairs to the restaurant where we told people to order what they would like. We had 14 people, family and friends. It caused a minor scandal in Himself's family because it was my second marriage (the first one was just for practice as I was quite young and naive) and I was 9 months pregnant......but people soon find something else to talk about don't they. Then those present at our wedding visited me in hospital the following week and all oohed and aahed over newborn Stephen.

Cheers
JennieG

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19 May 08 - 10:24 PM (#2344834)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Charmion

Edmund and I had a military wedding (uniform for the men, women in what they want) at church at 11:00 a.m. in the old-fashioned British style. Instead of tiresome old Mendelssohn at the end a piper played us out of the church, and then led the entire assembled multitude down the street two blocks to the Legion for a sitdown lunch. It was great -- and nobody got lost on the way. The money we didn't spend on fancy clothes and a vulgar limousine went into several cases of champagne. At four o'clock the whole thing was over and we were driving off in our elderly Volkswagen with the boot full of prezzies. It's very weird to drive a car with a manual gearbox while wearing your wedding dress.

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20 May 08 - 12:33 AM (#2344874)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: katlaughing

Those numbers are obscene, SRS!

The first, young, naive and pregnant, we got married in front of the Christmas tree at my parents' house. It was an old Victorian, so there was a neat stairway I came down with my dad and it was all very pretty. Mostly just immediate family members and a couple of friends.

Second time we got married in a garden, again, with just family and a few friends and my two oldest kids who were about 6 and 3 at the time.

Third time, which has lasted now for 28 years, living together for 29, we decided the day I got my income tax refund, we'd get married the next day. Rog went out and traded his jeepster in on a new Subaru while I went shopping for an outfit. That time we went to the courthouse and had a traffic court blackboard (only it was green) behind us in all of the snapshots a friend took. Three friends and, again, my two oldest kids. We left my youngest with the babysitter until that evening when we met my sisters and other friends at a restaurant where we had a simple celebratory dinner.

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20 May 08 - 12:50 AM (#2344877)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Sandra in Sydney

Searching for 'wedding planning' on Google Australia gave 163,000 references - one to an internet TV station devoted to wedding planning (yuk) & an interactive website devoted to brides (YUK!)

and then there are the related searches -
Wedding Planning software, guide, checklist, tools, and also
Wedding invitations, checklist & ideas.

dunno how many you'd get on Google (USA)

sandra

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20 May 08 - 05:41 AM (#2344975)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: Liz the Squeak

Our reception was in a brewery.. Yes - I CAN organise one!

LTS

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20 May 08 - 07:48 AM (#2345040)
Subject: RE: BS: Wedding day blues
From: jacqui.c

Kendall and I got married on our way to the Getaway, in Sharon, Connecticut, by Sandy Paton. We got up that morning and Sandy asked us "When do you two want to get married?". We went out looking at possible sites while Caroline was at the dentist, picked her up and went for lunch in an Italian restaurant in a senior's compound, and then got married in a meadow on the banks of the Housatonic with Caroline as our witness.

SINSULL and Tinker organised our reception at the Getaway - lots of song and so much love from our friends there, most of whom I did not, at that time know.

My daughter organised her own wedding, got the dress of her dreams at a very low sale price, having seen it in a display window some time before she and her future husband started dating! The bridesmaid dresses were made by a friend, and she managed to get deals on just about everything else to stay within budget.

I was given orders on what to wear (no trouser suits allowed and I had to have a hat) Trust me, this was one Mother of the Bride who was not allowed to interfere with the wedding plans at all! She had a great day and everything went off without a hitch - meringue style dress. five bridesmaids, two pageboys and all, and I know that it all cost a good deal less than the average cost of a wedding at that time. I think they spent more on the honeymoon in Turkey, which seemed to be the sensible way to do it. Sharon had her big day, without breaking the bank, and they are coming up for their nine year wedding anniversary on Thursday this week, which they will spend flying over to Maine for a visit with us.

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