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28 May 98 - 09:05 PM (#29590) Subject: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: rosebrook I'm looking for the lyrics and more importantly chords to this 10+ year old song. It starts, "If I had a penis, I'd wear it outside." I apologize in advance if this is too offensive for a Mudcat thread. Rosebrook |
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30 May 98 - 12:37 AM (#29669) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Art Thieme I thought it was sung by Urethra Franklin who lived a good portion of her life in a penile institution. """"""""" |
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30 May 98 - 12:40 AM (#29670) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Art Thieme WOULD YOU BELIEVE I THOUGHT I'D CONSTRUCTED A SMILING FACE OUT O' KEYBOARD STUFF---BUT I GUESS NOT!!!! Art |
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30 May 98 - 01:09 AM (#29671) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Joe Offer ....took some magic to fix that one, Art..... -Joe- |
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30 May 98 - 02:21 AM (#29678) Subject: Lyr Add: PENIS ENVY (from Uncle Bonsai) From: Nora (No chords -- I have this on LP and can't listen to it - sorry) But since you asked, here are the lyrics: PENIS ENVY If I had a penis, I'd wear it outside In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride. If I had a penis, I'd pamper it proper. I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. If I had a penis, I'd take it to parties, Stretch it, and stroke it, and shove it at smarties. I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. I'd rival my buddies in sports cars and stick shifts. I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. I'd peek around corners. I'd aim at my toilet. I'd poke it at foreigners. I'd soap it and oil it. If I had a penis, I'd run to my mother, Comb out the hair, and compare it to brother. I'd lance her. I'd knight her. My hands would indulge. Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. CHORUS: A penis to plunder, a penis to push, 'Cause one in the hand is worth two (one?) in the bush. A penis to love me, a penis to share, To pick up and play with when nobody's there. I'd sit like a guy. I'd straddle the chair. I'd play with my fly, albeit with care. I'd dip it in chocolate. I'd stick it in sockets. I'd stroll to the movies with hands deep in pockets. I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandahs, Gas-guzzling Volvos, and poodles, and pandas, And puddles, and drainpipes, and doggies, and ditches, Pool halls, and potholes, and bottles, and bitches, Zucchinis, and zebras, tomatoes, tomahtoes, In pineapples, pumpkins, and gulches, and grottoes, In melons, and marshmallows, gloves, and gorillas, Slurpees, and slippers, Chinooks, and chinchillas. CHORUS If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain. I'd force it on females. I'd pee like a fountain. If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl, But I'd make much more money, and conquer the world. Lyrics by Arni Adler and Andrew Ratshin On Uncle Bonsai "A Lonely Grain of Corn." c 1984 Liu Tunes Freckle Records https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByE5Bc70w44 |
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30 May 98 - 06:26 AM (#29687) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Roger Himler rosebrook, It's nice to meet another Uncle Bonsai fan. Too bad they broke up. I'm not sure Penis Envy is the highlight of their repetoire, but I think I would have known it was one of Andrew's songs just by reading it. I was lucky to see them the one time they came to Baltimore. I was enticed by hearing just one song on the radio and I was very happy I went. I have not heard this song, but most of Andrew's song structures were melodically simple, but his guitar work is rhythmically complex. I think he was fond of the key of Am also, if any of this helps. Roger in Baltimore |
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30 May 98 - 02:32 PM (#29697) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Art Thieme A more proper lyric might be: One in the hand is worth 2 of George Bush! |
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30 May 98 - 03:14 PM (#29703) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Nora I guess this song has gotten a few radio stations into some trouble. Not one of my favorites either, but entertaining enough. Haven't heard it in years. My favorite of theirs might be the one about the cancellation of the Love Boat. Nora |
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31 May 98 - 02:38 AM (#29737) Subject: RE: Lyr. & chord req: Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai From: Cuilionn Uncle Bonsai was a "local" band, so I got a few chances to see them around Seattle when I was in high school. I've worn out the tape so I can't fill this in, but in the lyrics posted by Nora there is a line missing between "...use me as the stopper" and "I'd take it to parties." Perhaps some similarly twisted and scarred fan will be able to recall what's missing. A good companion to the above song is their later composition, "Wymyn with a Y." I would agree, however, that the Love Boat song is one of their very best! Gabh spòrs, --Cuilionn |
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24 Jan 21 - 08:25 PM (#4089775) Subject: ADD: Modern Medicine (Uncle Bonsai) From: Joe Offer And as time has gone on since this thread was started in 1998, maybe this song is more appropriate. MODERN MEDICINE (OLD MAN ARMS) (Uncle Bonsai: songwriter-?) I got old man arms I can hardly even reach the itchy places I got old man eyes I can really only see familiar faces I got old man legs And I need to be escorted I got old man hair And my nape is now my forehead I got old man fingers on my old man hands I got old secretions from my old man glands And those are just a few of my charms Old man arms I got old man brain And I really don’t remember how I got here I got old man back And the grandkids like to play connect the dots here I got old man scent I should stay away from dairy I got old man ears So they got a little hairy I got old man stirrings in my old man pants I got old desires with an old man’s chance That’s a little hard to explain Old man brain And modern medicine has made me what I am today If I mask the pain, was it really pain? Modern medicine is keeping me alive this way I can take more in the morning If I’m still here in the morning I got old man toes The ones that aren’t ting-l-ing are freezing I got old man tongue And I find the taste of liver kinda pleasing I got old man nerves And I’m not sure why I’m bragging I got old man skin It’s translucent or it’s sagging I got old man whining, I got old man ills I got old man doctors with the old man bills I got old relying on my old man pills Cause modern medicine is keeping me alive today So I shake some more, so I take some more Modern medicine is keeping me alive this way It’s the gift that keeps on giving And it almost feels like living Oh the red one’s for the fire in my belly And the green one’s for the emptiness inside I take a tiny little white one For the damage from the pink one And I think one even fought off any thought of suicide There are orange ones to stop the pressure falling And there are blues ones so it doesn’t go too high All these colors, all these choices Help me drown out all the voices I’ve been taking them forever so I’m never going to die I got old man arms I can hardly even reach the itchy places I got old man thoughts And they never really fill the empty spaces I got old man blood It’s a little like molasses I got old man sight I need glasses for my glasses I got old man sorrows in my old man hands I got no tomorrows in my old man plans That set off a few more alarms Old Man Arms https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCOAnq6eADM Lots of Uncle Bonsai lyrics here: http://www.yellowtailrecords.com/lyrics.html |
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25 Jan 21 - 12:05 AM (#4089787) Subject: RE: Lyr/Chord Req: Penis Envy (from Uncle Bonsai) From: BrooklynJay And - amazingly enough - the YouTube link posted way back in 1998 is still good! The song is a hoot! Jay |